For whosoever hath, to him shall be given and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. How does it make sense to say those who have will get more and those who don’t will lose even what they have?

Doesn’t seem right at the surface, or perhaps, there’s an understanding that I see now, even more than before. I ask myself, what do I have? Truly? What do I take with me?  In this life, in the next and really, everywhere I am? What do I have? What is my given? 

I have a knowing. I know this, strongly.  Where did it come from?  God, my Maker.  The one who formed me with what I am. So I, with that knowing with which I was formed from that foundation; I could choose to become who I am.

I am who I have always been.  It was placed within me as a gift.  Just as all of what I am is the gift. And so I have the choice of how much of myself I want to be in this life. I just chose and from this I become more myself.

The day my husband died was a shock of course.  I could have died that day myself, and for a moment I did.  Then, the invitation; come, be more than this experience, open your heart to what it has to teach you.  I said yes. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being dead as an alive person.  And because of my choice, it added to that experience, I became more alive.  I received more. The day after my husband died, I looked at my children running around like wild animals. 

I had become a bystander to their life, no longer able to participate in my own shock of the aftermath.  Watching them act out as children do when they have no idea how to comprehend, understand or process their now vastly different surroundings.

Though their surroundings look just as they did yesterday, but they will never be the same.  That was too much for me to watch.  I wanted to get away.  I asked to be removed.  Please don’t make me watch this. It’s too much pain.   

Then, the invitation; come, see these boys, learn, feel their needs.  What’s being asked is greater than what’s ever been asked of you before. But in seeing it, not running from it, you will become something that will be more than you can even try to become without it.    

Because of how deep this pain will go, you will be able to see what is in the hearts of others more clearly and know how to help, how to love.  Would you be willing to see this?  If you are removed, you won’t become what is possible for you, and that will be taken from you.

I thought for a moment, then I said yes.  I didn’t like the unbearable amount of pain I felt watching it and yet, it’s been true. I’ve gained more compassion, understanding and humanity from the pain of my children than I ever could have without it. 

Then I remembered how God felt about His son and watching His pain, and in that,  I received more. The month after my husband died, I looked at my life and realized I actually had to do things on my own, that not even the two of us could do together before. 

I threw up my hands and said, no way.  It’s too much as I felt the overwhelm take over.  I can’t do this I said.   Then, the invitation; come, see how strong you really are.  You won’t believe it.  It will awaken your true ability and it will astound you.

The capacity at which you are living now, is only a small portion of what’s possible.  Do you want to see how great you really are?  I don’t know, I said at first.  How can I be stronger than I am?  I don’t see how it’s possible… then I answered, yes, yes I do. 

I didn’t like the feeling of helplessness. I then felt my body become stronger, my mind sharper, my heart fortified and my spirit expanded.  All of a sudden I could do the work of what seemed like 10 men at half the size of one.  It is a miracle. 

I began to see who I am becoming.  Who I am becoming is who I’ve always been.  It is who I am.  It is all inherent in the creation of me.  From there, it is me who chooses what to become from the knowing I have of who I am and what I am.

These are the things I know.  And because I know, it is when I choose to see that truth, I get more of it.  I see more of it, feel more of and become more of that truth within myself.  If I don’t believe that about myself, I will lose it. 

When I do believe it about myself, it becomes stronger, better, more accurate, more powerful.  Just as we teach our kids to believe in themselves, I'm learning to believe myself.  This, is an awareness that’s on a whole other level. 

Because when I believe myself, it is easy to believe in myself.  So now I see how we just got the order wrong.  Believe who you are and what you are will follow that. That is empowering!  I know who I am.  I know what I need.  I know. 

And now, after all this time, I believe it. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. What is the hath here? 

Substitute it with have, at least that’s what I do.  Have what?  In this process I’ve learned that what you have is who you are, the inside. The reflection of that is on the outside. Look closely and the body will you tell you what’s on the inside. 

It’s not your clothes or car or things like that.  It is in your eyes, the way your lips take form and subtle facial expressions.  The way your body moves.  The body on the outside is a reflection of what’s going on on the inside and the inside is what creates everything on the outside. 

This is what has allowed me to continue being without breaking in the midst of the painful trials that have entered my life.  Those things, they don’t define me or my life, that’s not what I have, it’s only what I experience to create more of what I keep inside of me. 

So it’s not just the death of my husband, but everything that’s come from that, and that’s far more than his death.  That was just an event that happened, it’s long been over.  What has come since, has had the power to break me in so many ways.

It has; yet, I’ve learned how to continue to exist without being fully broken. I’ve been invited by life to give up who I was before and I have.  I’ve become a completely transformed being from what I was before the tragedy. 

Then I was a person, now I’m a different being.  That’s the have.  It’s being.  At least to my understanding at this time, which as I assure you will change drastically as I continue to learn and allow what I learn to change who I am. 

But for now, this epiphany has again changed everything for me. Every grief that’s come is a little invitation for me to see more clearly the being who I am. Because that being already exists wholly, that is what I am reaching to integrate with, so I receive it.

When I do open to receive it, it changes everything that I thought was, into everything that really is.  Every cell of my body, heart, mind, spirit, and soul are changed.  It’s not in more pain or more of finding who I am.

It’s the  transformation that comes with gaining personal steadiness that overcomes pain.  Overcoming it transmutes it into a creative energy that buries the person you were, to birth you again and again into being the most exquisite version of yourself each time.  

The way to gain more, is to feel more, experience more, and then receive more of the truth in who you are from it, because it shows you that truth.   The other option is to endure these experiences over and over and then be broken by it, and all that you were is taken from you. 

It’s one of the two, but the choice is always yours.   You gain more or you lose it all, but either way you can never go back to what was.  It simply doesn’t exist anymore.  Receive more and more of what’s given. 

Losing everything of who I was, yet gaining more than I ever could have.  That was just the beginning.  It continues.  And so I now I understand what it means in that scripture when it says to them that have more will be given and to them that have not, it shall be taken. 

In each invitation of experience that asked me to become more or be broken by it, every experience I had took away the option to stay as I was.  So the choice is to lose what was taken, or gain more from the loss. I won’t be broken. I am becoming more.