I wanted the first baby. I admit that freely. The second, well, he was a sound business decision.  The third? He was a total surprise. The fourth? Grant wanted that one. It was now or never, so we tried once and here I am with 4 boys.

They’re all amazing boys. I love them fiercely. I’m grateful to be their mom. I’m content to know I got to create an amazing family with my man. I understand how blessed and fortunate I am; to have had a husband, to have 4 amazing little lives I created in my body, and to be able to provide for them.

And, there’s something in the bottom of my mind, the back of my heart, and stuck in my throat tissue. I feel it coming up again; because my husband is dead and I’m raising those little lives all on my own. I’ve begun counting the reasons why this happens to me.

First, Grant said he’d raise these boys with me. He’s not here. He lied. Liar. I hate him for that. The second is really complex, all the things no one ever tells you when it comes to having kids. It includes the physical body issues, emotional roller coaster rides, the mental breaking points, and the spiritual tearing.

I should have been clued in when my mother would shy away from telling her birth stories. Other women would go on and on about their war stories and fish tales of birth. My mom; a look of pain, trauma and disappointment would wash over her face and through her body. I didn’t see it then, not till after I had my own.

I should have also been versed when I saw that new young mom holding a newborn and chasing a toddler. The mom who was still in her pajamas, the extra weight she carried, with a look of frustration on her face that had no makeup.

I casually thought, “I’ll never be like that.” Now I’ve been there, maybe it was yesterday actually. I didn’t see it before I had kids. I was in my unaware, ignorant bliss. I was close to brainwashed that having babies and creating a family are the most important maybe the only important thing to do in life. It’s the things you don’t see when you’re unconscious, unaware and naïve that come back to haunt you later.

My first baby was a really difficult birth, an emergency C-section. After that, I was in awe that people even existed to the degree they do. How could a woman have gone through this for every human existing on the planet? It blew my mind. I had a new respect for my mom and all women.

I looked at the tiny beautiful human in my arms: a boy, so cute, so little, so precious and so loud. I thought immediately, ‘I should have waited longer before I had a baby, I’m not ready for this.’ He screamed through most of his first year of life.

Grant and I nicknamed ourselves titles that fit our new roles, “Boob girl,” and Diaper boy.” Now practically our sole purpose in life; I nursed a lot, he changed a lot of diapers. Good man, Grant. Thank You.

The second baby I felt we needed because the first one needed a sibling. Faulty core belief. We got on maternity insurance this time. We got pregnant the first month we qualified to get paid out. A perfectly timed delivery made us about $3k after the cost of having the baby. They don’t offer those plans anymore. Grant was happy that it was a profitable pregnancy.

The baby was another boy. A successful VBAC at a hospital. Perfect and beautiful like the first boy and a lot less traumatizing this go around. He was fun. I didn’t know a baby could be so fun. And oh, how I loved him. I thought, ‘if only every baby could be loved by his mother as much as I love this baby,’ the world would be a different place.

With the third, we had started the King of Random already. We had bought a big house - the one where it’s still all filmed today. We were waist deep in life. Busy, alive, managing, but just barely.  A few days into my pregnancy, I thought, ‘I feel pregnant.’ Two weeks later and a positive test showed me my intuition was correct.

Still, I was shocked that I was pregnant.  We hadn’t been trying for a baby. “How did this happen?” My mom’s classic response, “I can tell you how...” with a smirk and a chuckle.

I had wanted to wait before trying for a third. God had other ideas. But sure, we could handle another baby, right? Thankfully, luckily, he came into the world like an angel. A beautiful home birth after all my learning, growing, insight and progression from the first 2. Another boy. I bought the minivan. Grant was so proud of the strength I showed giving birth to that baby at home. 

The fourth, he was Grant’s idea. It had been nearly 3 years since our third baby. We’d be ‘starting over’ as Grant put it, so let’s get on with it and out of the baby stage. His parents have 4 boys. He thought 4 would be a good number. I wanted to wait another year.

Now we were what felt like neck-deep in life, just barely breathing with our heads above water. TKOR was taking off, 3 kids already, so much going on all the time. I didn’t feel like I could keep up. I did want one more, but just not yet. He said if you want one more, let’s do it now or stop at 3. I decided, we’d try for one month, if we didn’t get pregnant, we’d stick with 3.

Well, we have 4. The last, a boy and another perfect home birth. Grant felt complete with his 4 boys.  Now I’m here with our four boys, but Grant is not. Grant is gone. I love them and am so grateful for them. It’s just hard, exhausting even, negotiating with life for myself as well as taking care of these four boys. They all want to be just like Grant, a desire I can’t keep up with and then I think to myself, “Don’t be, be better.”

Being a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done. I just wish I could have known what I was getting into from the beginning to the end. I would have made different choices I believe. I would have. But, could I ever choose which one or ones I wouldn’t have? If I’d known I would be a single mom, I wouldn’t have had 4. Now that they’re here, I couldn’t choose. I love who each one is too much.

I’m grateful we’re protected from the whole plan, beginning to end. Knowing might take away our greatest trials and with it, our greatest gifts. It would be an easier life without certain parts, but could I trade? No. These kids have been the greatest personal development course I’ve ever taken. They’ve shown me who I really am, showed me my light and shadow. Now, I consciously choose to be their mom, because I can. And they are the reason I keep going every day.