I watched Grant take off, off into the sky.  We were at the park.  It was our family routine.  We’d go to the park an hour before sunset many nights of the week.   Grant packed up the paramotor and I’d gather the kids. We’d head to the park where he’d unload everything. As he did, he’d draw a crowd who’d watch in awe as he set up and took off.   Showing us all it’s possible for man to fly.

All of us watching, we’d stand with our feet in the soft plush cushion of the grass that connected us safely to the ground.  Grant left us to soar into the sky.  He took off, leaving the ground and into the sky, inspiring shock and awe, showing possibility to us left on the ground.  “That is amazing” they’d say.  Ohhhhh… Ahhhhhhh.  Wow!  Oh my gosh!”  I heard many of the comments being part of the crowd as we all watched him transcend the laws of gravity.  

He was the one who took off… he was the one who left the ground… he was the one who faced those fears, the ones most of us feel.  He would go before us and show what it looked like to conquer them or at least feel them, and still do it anyway.  

More than once, he said, “the fear never goes away.”  He told me that he still felt it every time he faced a flight or a jump or some other adrenaline inducing activity.  It was part of our life, because it was part of who he was.  Who he was is what I loved and married. Who he was I accepted, supported, and embraced with all my heart.  It was life as I’d created and accepted it.  

I didn’t worry about him either, despite all this.  I didn’t stew about what could happen.   I didn’t “future trip” about all the what if’s, that didn’t exist.  No, that wouldn’t and doesn’t serve me.  I’d seen the effects of what worry does to a person.  Living with worry is a choice I consciously choose out of.  I want to orchestrate my life, not react to it. To me, letting the non-existent run around in my head is like letting crazy rule your life.  No thanks.  I wanted to live in the present, be grounded and in reality.  

So that was my story, that night, two weeks before, the night Grant died doing this exact same thing, taking off from this exact same park.  Our family was at that park and we were all alive, just living our lives as we knew them.  

There was another mom, like me, among the crowd.  She was about the same age as me, with little kids just like me and her husband standing next to her, not like me.  She turned around after Grant was so high he was nearly out of sight. She looked at me and said, “Does it ever worry you that something could happen when he’s up there?”  

As she looked at my kids running around me and her kids running around her; the depth of our families, their dependency, their vulnerability, my vulnerability, it all surrounded us.  I didn’t see that dependency nor the vulnerability.  No, I saw my perception of what I thought was true, that there is no danger here.  I’m not vulnerable, a lie I now know, but I believed it as truth then. 

I looked up from my playing children and her playing children, I looked her square in the eye and said “I don’t.  I never worry about him.  I trust him completely.  He is cautious. He knows what he’s doing and has more training and experience and qualifications than most people in this sport.” 

I went on…. “He is so alert.  He knows what he’s doing, he’d never do anything too dangerous.  He knows his boundaries.” He’s practically perfect. I thought. The truth is, had I thought anything could happen to him, I would have done things differently.  In that moment, I didn’t believe it was possible and all those things I told her, justified why. 

Looking back now, I think as I went on and on, it was as if even then, there was a part of me that didn’t believe what I was saying. Even though Grant and I believed it, and because we both believed it, somehow it could be, was, true.  There was something in me that told me something was off, but if I could convince myself it was true, then it must be, so I ignored that feeling inside myself and said, there’s no danger here.  

And guess what… There was evidence to support that this lie I believed was true.  Look how many times Grant’s gone flying.  Look how safe he is.  Look how smart he is.  Look how he’s come back every time he’s gone out flying.  Looking at this honestly, those things were true, until they weren’t and he didn’t come back, then it was no longer true, but it was too late to see that possibility and decide from there. 

Now it was here to show me without a question that the impossible was not only possible, but now reality with no going back.  That day in the park I was trying to convince myself.  I know that now, because  I no longer try to convince myself of anything.  That is a waste, just like worrying. 

I look at what is true.  If something’s not true, I see it, and I know it, because if I start trying to make it true, convincing… then I know something is off.  If I have to do that… I’m not seeing what is or accepting it.  That leads to using energy to make something that is not real.  Which is impossible.  Truth always makes its appearance to show you what is.  Always.  

You can’t hide the truth, at least not for long and definitely not forever.  What the truth has shown me now, is that Grant wasn’t always safe, he wasn’t always cautious, he didn’t know exactly what he was doing, his training wasn't enough to save him from death and he was far from perfect.  The truth is when you decide to do something with inherent danger, and you ignore the elements, thinking you're invincible,  the truth  will show you that reality is. Being just a man means you’re not infallible, not flawless, not foolproof, but vulnerable. 

This was presented to me and Grant in the most complete and permanent way, a way I couldn’t argue with or change and neither could he.  Ever.  Death shows us when it’s past time to worry, argue, or think what you’re doing is fine.  The truth is when death is the outcome for the lies you believe, it’s shown in a way that you indisputably. 

You walk away thinking… “What a shame.”  That’s the regret that comes when you use your energy to convince yourself everything is fine because you’re not looking at what truth is trying to show you.  As I see the truth now, I’m willing to face it.  Because I know when you don’t the consequences are more painful when the truth comes, and I still  choose not to worry.  

I’ve found a beautiful relevance between being aware, and still knowing that I don’t control the outcome.  I am not in control, I am vulnerable, and I can accept and surrender.  Which means, I still don’t have to worry.  Ever. 

What I can do is be aware and then make my choices based on what I feel is right.  That is what gives authority to act, not react in life.  Grant would have died paragliding whether I worried or not. But, what we don’t know is what different outcome could have been created had we both made our choices from a place where we both could have seen the even possibility of the truths before us rather than ignoring them to pretend it didn’t exist, then use that as a way to justify not worrying and believing a lie.  

I can accept it with serenity, knowing I’m not the one in control of circumstances but yet I am creating the orchestration of every part of my life in any circumstance.  Well, knowing that,  just might have given me the courage and perspective to say no, don’t go today.  

Not because I want to hold you back,  or I’m scared, or worried, but because I know it’s the right thing to do.  Know it.  Or perhaps I could have said, yes go tonight.  Because I’m not scared or worried and you are following what’s right for you and then what turns out would be the right thing whether he came back or not.  I would choose to be aware of both sides. 

But that night, I felt, don’t go.  I didn’t say it because I didn’t think there was any possibility of him not returning that night he didn’t.  Grant’s too skilled for that, and it’s never happened.  Why would I feel that way?  Weird… dismiss.  So when I felt that “don’t go” the lie I believed, justified me not saying anything, and justified Grant doing what he did and the outcome that occurred.    

I acted out of justification, not awareness, I didn’t worry, but I didn’t face the possibility of losing him.  He acted out of justification, believing he couldn’t die, or even be hurt, had he believed that he wouldn’t have gone.  He didn’t want to die.  He didn’t want to leave us. So it didn’t make sense when it happened.  

When the impossible became the reality, all because I didn’t see the truth in that.  Wow… that hurt.  So life taught me in the most penetrating way, “look at the truth girl.  Accept it.  Be aware.  Justification won’t save you from what is,”   love, Life

This is grace, this is beauty, this is truth, knowing, in all of it you are vulnerable.  See what’s real, and be in it, grounded in it.  That’s when no matter what life hands you, you will be able to take it with acceptance and grow from it.  That’s how you don’t stagnate, and think what your reality is now, will be that forever, it won’t I promise you that.  

Life went on, “I’m teaching you that this experience is all about change and you don’t get to choose what it looks like.  But you do get to choose everything else around it within yourself.  And that my girl, is the secret to being in control of your life and orchestrating it.  It is knowing that you don’t control it and within that you gain the mastery of yourself to let go, that is where you find who you are.  You are lucky to learn it at such a young age and in such a big way.  This is a gift.”  love, Life (again)  

The truth is, that Grant faced fears and overcame them.  Because he did that, he had amazing experiences and it killed him.  The truth is, that affected me in a big way and I can’t change that.  But what I can do now is choose how I live, what I believe and how to act moving forward not justifying anymore, but accepting truth and all the beauty in every aspect of life.  

Truth always prevails, and it will teach you, or hurt you if you don’t let it teach you.  I don’t hide from it, and I still don’t worry, but live in peace, love and surrender.  Finding more joy now in this life I have been handed that looks nothing like the one I believed I had.  Thanks Life.