Yes, I have been dating.  Sometimes it’s fun, but mostly it feels heavy.  I recently decided to stop dating.  It’s a transfer of energy that I can no longer hold.  ‘Why,’ I ask myself?  Why is this something that feels so hard? 

I remember as a young girl, dating to find the love of my life.  It was always a possibility.  It was coupled with a happiness and freedom of not knowing what would come. It made everything exciting.  Exciting in a way that I kept putting myself out there to find the possibilities.  

The possibilities were endless then.  Now… maybe they still are, but there are many knowns now that were unknown then.  It’s beautiful to know and sometimes it’s scary not to know; but I like to find the mystic in the unknown too.  

For now, with dating, the knowns are these; I am the mother of 4 boys, the children I had with Grant.  When I was looking for Grant, all that was unknown.  I didn’t yet know if we’d have children. If we did, how many?  And would they be boys or girls?

It’s all known now and that makes it a new part of dating.   A part I didn’t have weighing on my heart as I searched for the Grant that I’d find. Other knowns are; I know where I’m living, we’re settled.  The boys are establishing themselves here.  

I’m doing all I can to help them build a life we love and to bloom where we’ve planted ourselves.  It always seemed back when I was dating with all the unknowns, that I would dream of where I’d end up.  I’d dream of what kind of house we’d be in or of how we’d decorate and what kind of life we’d live.  

It was all possibility then.  Now it’s established and the flexibility is lessened.  I still believe in life as endless possibility.  Although, the more you add to it, the more full it becomes and the less ease there is in flexibility.  

That feels hard sometimes. It also brings a great sense of gratitude and comfort.  I like both. Sometimes I still long for adventure.  I look at my sweet boys and know that every moment I”m away from them they feel it. I feel it.  

We yearn for one another, while we know we must find our own way and selves independently of each other.  The love that binds us, it also feels as if being apart hurts us too.  Yes it hurts to be apart.  It hurts to be apart from Grant as well.  

Not having him here feels so deep that when the boys and I are separated, there is a deeper fear that never was before. Yet, we all know that time away helps us grow.  And for me especially, I have a need to be with myself without anyone there. 

It’s for me to learn again to listen to the me that’s buried under all the deep sadness, hurt and joy mixed together in the life I have.  I can’t be there for them all the time.  It’s too much for me, yet I want to.  

So this thought of adding another person, well it just feels so deeply like a longing. And it’s something I want to push away.  I finally know what I want, and it’s pretty simple.  I’ve thought about this a lot. So, how do I do this?  I realized it’s not a how, it's a what.  

What I feel, to be clear.  When I’m with someone else and I miss Grant intensely, it’s a lot to process. It's not that I don’t like the person, it’s that what we had, Grant and I, was so beautiful.  I’m looking for that feeling in me again, and I know that I’ll recognize it.  

I’ll feel it and know, because it’s familiar.  But the part that is exciting, is that I’ll recognize it; and then, it will get better from there.  That’s the part that is the beautiful unknown!  I will find what I’m looking for and the feeling that will be there will be an ease.  

An ease that feels loving, exciting and then grows from there.  It won’t feel hard. I don’t need any more hard. I just need exactly what I’m looking for.  I’ll know exactly when I find it, just like I did when I met Grant and what I felt then.  

There is still all possibility available for me and I know that my best days, as good as they are now, are still yet to be lived.  As I learn and grow and become closer and closer to who I’m meant to be, I’ll know.  All while enjoying the journey there. 

So for now, I feel so happy to let it all go.  Just to stop and feel.  I’ll feel so much that when I recognize the feeling I’m looking for, all that bliss that I miss, I’ll know. I will find it now in myself,  then I’ll be able to share again.  So, I’m at peace now.  Being myself, with myself.