As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.” 

Now they are in the thrift/give away pile.  They are brand new with the tags still on.  They were never worn.  When I saw them at the children’s store, my heart leapt with the joy of enthusiasm that comes as little dreams form while a smile permeates my face and heart.

My mind went to all 4 of my little boys wearing these shirts, surrounding their EPIC dad.   The backgrounds, the possibilities of smiles and silly poses, then I saw they had the dad shirt!  In men’s size, that one said on it: “Epic Dad” and that was the icing on the cake.

The little boys surrounding the big one, who would wear the shirt with that very title on it!   I bought them all.  At the time, the smallest size they had was 18-24 months and my baby was only 9 months, it would drown him.  I didn’t want to give up this little fantasy just because of the one shirt size.  

The great thing is kids grow, inevitably, so a size too big, is much better for options than a size too small.  So, I bought them all in the size up that would fit each one next year and put them safely away for just the right moment when the baby was just big enough to fit in his size.   

So I bought them all with dreams of an epic photoshoot with my 4 little boys and their truly epic dad.  It was so perfect, because it wasn’t just a cute dad shirt. It was really true.  Their dad is genuinely epic I thought.  Which made it all the more cute cause I wasn’t just projecting it on everyone.

I wasn't trying to make my husband feel good just because I thought he was epic.  He really was epic and I agreed.  Dad was a big YouTube star, famous, created a ton of success, pushed the boundaries and really lived life.  Epic.  Genuine.  Perfect.  

I put the shirts away as I waited for the 9 month old to grow into an 18 month old.  He did just that, but by then I had forgotten about the shirts. There was still time though.  The size was 18-24 months… so I wasn’t in a hurry, we had time.  All the time in the world I thought, and he’s a little on the smaller side.  

As he approached 2, I knew I needed to get it done soon, but life got in the way.  Grant moved to the place he would die.  I moved there too, moving a family is a lot and the shirts got lost.  Then I found them.  The baby was just barely 2.  

So I hung them all up, planning to get the photo shoot done asap.  There they sat in my closet.  Then the Epic dad died.  I forgot about the shirts and shoved them into the pile of said Epic dad’s clothes I cleaned out of the closet. 

I just didn’t know what to do with those shirts because those were worse to look at than all the other clothes that wouldn't get worn.  Life happened some more, a couple more years went by. in a box I opened up after yet another move to another house, there they were again.  

This time there was a painful longing of we had had a few months we could have done this.  I didn’t do it.  The regret for not just doing it was stronger than anything else. Now as I looked at those shirts and the lost dreams, I thought, it’s time to let these go.  

Maybe there is some other epic dad out there I could give them to and they could do that photoshoot, but for now, just being able to smile at what might have been, feel the pain of it, and be able to let it go, well that gave me a peace that brought a new smile to my face.

A new smile that acknowledged I got this.  The hard things and the little dream things.  All of them.  So I send them off along with those first moments of not knowing what to do or how to process so much overwhelming pain. 

Now I know how.   I know how to let go.  I know how to smile just because I can, not because I have a dream that won’t ever be fulfilled.  I am not smiling because I have a reason. I'm smiling because I am the reason to smile and that’s a far different reason than the moment I saw these shirts and the dream they represented that never came to be.