When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence.  In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long. 

I’ve put a lot of effort into giving my boys a good life, giving them all the goodness life has to offer but not without their input to make it so. I’ve made my home their safe place to create, learn, explore and play. Grant and I have always been together on this.

Now when I look at the pictures from the past, I see a keeping up of the illusion that what we all have is real and always will be.  When I look at my boys' pictures now I think, “Those boys have a dad, or those boys don’t have dad.”  I can see in their eyes, which timeline they lived in in the photo. 

I’ve noticed that when I look at pictures of the boys from after Grant died, there is much more depth to their gaze as if they’re looking for something.  Something’s missing, something that once was, but no longer is. Their developing minds can’t yet fully comprehend how it’s possible for something that did exist, to no longer be so.  It’s an element of shock and unbelief. This incongruence creates space for a new existence of what reality is.

This new reality needs that space to exist.  Before the newer truth existed, it didn’t need room.  The eyes were more shallow. There is this sadness that now exists in this extra depth.  I can see in their eyes, the knowing.  The loss of innocence and naivety, knowing intimately of real loss. The hurt and what it means when the life you thought was yours is ripped from you, and you have no choice in it.  I never considered I couldn’t protect them from this type of loss.

The true consequence is that you can’t escape that others actions have an effect on your life, whether you decided it was ok or not.  The reality is that you don't have complete control over your own life outside yourself. The fact that others are in your life means that what they do will affect you to one degree or another, a lot or a little.  The reality that not all choices in life are yours to control is more than sobering.

This reality is also the beauty of having the love of more than just yourself by inviting others in and giving that control away.  My children are 10, 8, 5, and 2 years old, when they learn this life lesson. This deep seed of wisdom.  Now they know this.   I didn’t know that till now, I was 36 when I became a widow.  They will be much wiser than I.   They already are. 

I see it all in their eyes.  The smiles are there, but the eyes don’t lie, the eyes only tell truth.  I’m much better at seeing the truth in others through their eyes.  It’s a beautiful gift I’ve been given.  It’s beautiful and painful to see, but I’d rather be able to see it now, than be unaware as I was before.  It’s a progression of grace that comes with pain, to know more is to be more.  I’ll take more.   

When you give someone your heart, then that someone creates new little hearts with you and then those little hearts love back, life becomes about more than yourself.  Conversely, when you leave before you’re supposed to, because you weren’t paying attention, it just hurts in all the ways you used to be filled.  How time is now divided and doesn’t add back up the same becomes the new real. 

It’s the reminder that the person you have in front of you is here now, and will not be forever.  Don’t forget it.  We can’t forget.  The experience gained and the lessons learned go with us everywhere in our eyes. Now we get to see your lessons, the ones in your eyes.  Don’t be afraid we can see it, you can see ours too.  Remember to look into your loved one’s eyes. Know a stranger better by looking in their eyes.

We aren’t afraid of our pain now. It’s there, so learning to embrace it is paramount. And the act of acceptance of this new reality is precisely the act that fills the empty space created in the eyes with the wisdom that makes joy and fun and happiness again possible.  Now in this life after daddy’s death, when they’re still just little, it’s unforgettable and should be so. 

I’m still pretty young and have 4 little even younger hearts depending on my heart now, on my wisdom and love and strength and choices. There should be 2 hearts they can depend on, but only one of those is still beating. This makes my heart get stronger.  It beats harder and stronger for those little hearts so their eyes can take in all they have experienced and will experience and be strong enough to make that depth from life’s experience into wisdom.