For the first time in months, I was asleep before 10 pm! My little 6 year old asleep soundly next to me. My boy wants to sleep with mommy, and since there’s no one who sleeps in that space where daddy once slept; I think, sure you can sleep with me.

I awoke and saw the clock. It was exactly 12am. I’d only been asleep for a little over 2 hours. Then at 12:02 the security system alarm went off. Sirens blared from the box downstairs. Adrenaline shot through my body. My first thought was, if someone was down there, what would I do!? If I needed help, who could I call!? I didn’t know.

I knew the alarm wouldn’t wake the kids, so I laid there in bed fully alert, formulating a plan, ready to fight, knowing, this was all me. I was in charge of keeping my sleeping babies safe. I quickly stood, walked out of my room, and began turning on every light in the house while searching for what was wrong.

Why did the alarm go off? The voice on the security panel came on, “is everything all right?” “I don’t know, I’m checking,” I stated. I walked through the whole house in 2 mins, eyes piercing through the space, searching for anything that could possibly be out of place. It all seemed as it should be.

The lock hadn’t closed properly and the wind had blown the door open. False alarm. Alarm nevertheless. I was awake now. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for a while. Not till I could calm down and relax.

I went back to bed to listen to my boy breathing. It sounded so peaceful. Memories of his birth flooded my mind, of when his dad was here. I was thinking of all we’d created in our 12 years together.

I thought of my youngest baby. He’s still a baby to me, but growing so fast. I put my hand on my stomach, remembering when he was there. How he got there. The evidence of their dad’s life still living in their cells. Grant, my husband did exist, he would have had to.

I needed my baby at that moment, as if he silently was calling to me, I needed to hold him. So I went to his room and crawled into his bed with him. His bottle was next to him and his blankets were thrown off. He was only in a diaper. Earlier that night I had asked him, “Do you want to sleep in jammies or just your diaper?” “Just my Diaper.”

His skin was cool and I could feel the goose bumps on it. I gently picked up his head and cradled it in my hand. I put my head softly to his bare chest, my cheek brushing his baby belly. I heard his heartbeat, I felt his deep breaths. I needed to hold him. I needed his calm to calm me.

“I love you,” I whispered as his little body wiggled to get comfortable again. “Mommy,” he whispered in his sleepy little voice. He knew I was there. He felt my presence and instinctively he knew that the hand on his head was me, his Mom.

I could feel my heart radiating all the love of that moment for my child. He felt it and his sleepy unconscious word was, “Mommy.”
The beauty of family shone in that dark room. I needed him tonight. My baby gave me calm. He did it all while in his sleep. The one who protected him, was calmed by him. I was scared that night, and he was the one who held me.

The children Grant left behind are so alive. I feel their love in every cell of my being. The moments of truth that come during the quiet and in sleep in the darkness. These moments reveal the truths in life. I’m not here just to take care of him, he is also here to take care of me.