It was just after 11:30 now.  I’d called the police, I’d given them the description and GPS location. Now I was just waiting.  I sat in my bed pondering, “What is this?” It felt big. That’s why and when I finally texted Grant’s family.  Even though I did that, it was to include them in our experience, the reality wasn’t there in me. It hadn’t hit me yet. I just knew there was some story, some explanation that would make it all make sense like everything that had happened to us in the past. Somehow, something, someone would make it all better and okay.

All I said was, “Hi Family! Grant went out flying tonight and was supposed to be back 2 hrs. ago. We’ve got a search party beginning and need your prayers to support. Don’t freak out, we have a couple good leads on his location, but please say a prayer that we’ll find him safely.” 

They immediately began texting back, the panic apparent in them. I wonder what my panic looked like. I just asked for prayers.  That’s all I wanted at the moment.  I went back outside and sat on the front steps.  I was tired, but couldn’t wait in my bed and certainly couldn’t sleep.  All the kids were in bed now.  I sat in the warm darkness of the southern Utah summer air, feeling the warmth surrounding me, almost swallowing me in the intensity of the heat even in the darkness, as I felt a strange cold waiting alone. 

  The police had been in contact with our cell phone provider to see if we could get a geo location update.  Grant’s GPS locator still hadn’t updated. It’d been in the same spot for almost 2 hours!  That was frustrating. I need the technology to work now more than ever in my life! 

The officer who had come back to update me explained what the cell phone company said. The phone had been turned off since 9 pm.  Hum, I thought to myself, his battery must have died.  That makes sense why he hasn’t answered.  Maybe this was all just a circumstantial array of events that are all benign.

The officer asked if my husband had a green laser.  “Yes!  I responded.   He has every kind of laser. Would he have brought something like that in case of an emergency?  Yes of course he would have!  All these thoughts raced past the fears in my head as the officer responded.

 “Ok,” he replied, “because we’ve had reports of a green laser flashing near the airport.”  Oh good, I immediately thought. He must have landed somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be, maybe because of engine issues, and with a dead cell phone. My hope continued the thinking that now that it’s dark, he didn’t have a way to get home. He’s using his “survival skills!”  I felt hope! 

We went back into the house, where I checked the GPS again to see if it had updated.  It had! The numbers on the GPS location had changed just slightly.  That must mean he’s moving!  He’s probably in nearly the same location, but just moved a bit.  That would explain why the numbers changed. That was odd, but…  He’s on the move I thought happily!  He’s alive!  He has to be!

What I didn’t realize yet was that when the satellites updated, it was probably a different satellite projecting the location and that’s why the numbers changed, but the location didn’t.  In reality he hadn’t moved.  No, not even a little bit.  The moment he hit the ground, he never moved again. But I was filled with hope in that moment. My heart grasping on to the best possible interpretations.  

I went back down to my room and got back in bed. I started to read, but couldn’t concentrate.  It was so quiet.  I kept staring at my phone preoccupied with the needed call, willing it to give me back my husband.  About 12:30 it rang.  It was dispatch again.   The woman on the phone said they were preparing a helicopter to head to the location where he was. 

What she didn’t tell me was that the park ranger had already arrived there, found his body and called 911.   The ranger couldn’t call his death, even though it was obvious.  Life flight needed to come out to see if there was any medical attention needed or call his death. 

Maybe she didn’t know.  I thought a life flight helicopter was a little extreme.  I reasoned to myself, well if he’s on one of those sheer bluffs, the only way to retrieve him would be on a helicopter.  I imagined him seeing the light of the helicopter and watching it land.  He’d get up, run to the chopper and say, “thanks guys!”  He’d say a genuine sorry in his Canadian accent about how he ran out of gas. He’d thank them that they had to come all the way up there. 

He’d climb in the helicopter, sit down and ride home with them, striking up some interesting chat on the way home.  As these thoughts went through my mind, I wondered how long it would take for the helicopter to get out there.  About 30 minutes she responded, interrupting my musings with an answer.  “Great, thanks,” I said.  “I’ll call you if there are any other updates,” she added. I thanked her again and hung up.

In my mind, I did the math. It was 12:30 so 30 minutes to get out there and then back. 1 hour plus some, so 1:30. I should hear from him when they actually pick him up.  I’ll add an extra 30 min for pick up and drop off. Okay, Grant should be home in about an hour to an hour and half, so by 1:30 or 2 am at the latest. 

I usually under project with a time frame and lean towards best case scenarios. I did now too.  He’d be back in bed with me by 2 am and I could finally go to sleep.  This settled me a bit, knowing all I could do now was wait till 2 am when he’d be home.  I couldn’t turn the lights out. I didn’t want Grant to come home with all the lights off and everybody sleeping as if we didn’t care about him.  I didn’t want it to seem like he’d been forgotten as we went about our lives, went to bed and didn’t care that he was missing.  No, I kept a light on for him. 

I sat and was able to read a bit. I watched the clock. I texted him. I wanted him to know when he had recharged his phone or was in the cell area and could check, that I was thinking of him, worried in his absence.  1 am, then 1:30, ok, I should hear from him soon.

I texted him:

Grant,

It’s 1:38 am and you haven’t come home tonight. I’m wondering where you are. I’ve been watching your GPS location and our neighbors have been helping organize info. Search and rescue are out looking for you and we’ve all been praying for your safety. I pray you are OK.

Love, Janae

He never responded.  That was the last text I ever sent him thinking he was alive.  At 2 am, any minute I thought, I should get a call.  I did start to get tired. I thought, ‘ya know, it’s been a long night. I may need an hour of sleep at least to get through the day tomorrow, so I’ll just close my eyes.  I laid my head back just to rest. I closed my eyes with the light on. I was also still sitting up in bed.

It was just after 2 am the last I remembered, then the doorbell rang.  I jumped up and glanced at my phone. It was 3:31 am with no missed phone calls, that was not good. Grant hadn’t called me. I ran to open the door, expecting to see Grant.   Why I thought Grant would ring the doorbell, I don’t know. 

I opened the door to a dark porch and 4 male figures standing in front of me. I scanned them for Grant’s shape, none matched.  I didn’t see Grant’s silhouette… why wasn't he there?!

I asked, “didn’t you find him!?”

“Yes.”

“Oh good!”

“It’s not good,” the officer responded, “Can we come in?”

“Yes of course,” then I thought uh oh… I’m going to the hospital tonight.

“Can we sit down?”

Then I knew.