This picture is a screen shot from the video of Grant’s last birthday.  He turned 38 in this picture.  We had just finished singing Happy Birthday and our son added the part that goes…  “ and many more of them too… and many more of them too… and many more happy birthdays, many more of them too!” 

Then Grant said, for some reason, “It’s my first 40th birthday.”

I smiled and said in a voice laughing, “and it won’t be the last!” 

And he responded, “Yeah, I get to have 2 more.” 

No.  There were not two more 40th birthdays.  In fact there was no 40th birthday, you missed it Grant, both of them.  And I was wrong, it was the last.  I laugh a little when people reach out to me because it’s Grant’s birthday.  I mean I get it that they likely think something like, “Oh it’s a hard day,” or it’s supportive etc. 

The truth is that I’m grateful for thoughts and phone calls and support on any day, including his birthday.  I’d rather have them on any other day BUT his birthday, mostly so I don’t have to remember it over and over throughout the day.  

I’d rather have support on every other day BUT his birthday and I’m still grateful for those who care.  Maybe it’s one of those things we can all take note of, for someone who’s lost someone and has weird quirks about things like this.  It’s an option.  Not everyone will feel this way.

I’m sure others would love and support on days like this, but for me, Grant’s birthday is not special to me now.  I don’t celebrate it.  Why should I?  He’s dead and so not aging anymore.  Birthdays are null and void of celebration for me.   I mean, I remember he’s gone every day.

I don’t need to celebrate that once a year.   In fact, I delight in NOT celebrating it anymore.  No presents, he hated them anyway.  No cake, we don’t need the extra sugar and no expectations that aren’t met just because it’s a birthday. 

So the thought of doing something traditional just because, is appalling to me.  I mean really… what would I do?  Make a cake for a dead person? I mean if I’m going to make an effort to cook, it’s not gonna be a cake. 

Would we sing happy birthday to a dead person and then feed all that cake to the kids I’m raising alone because he’s dead and then deal with the sugar high on my own because their dad is a dead person?  No thanks. 

So thanks everybody for the well wishes on his birthday and the questions of what are you doing today for his birthday.  The answer is not a thing, said with a smile and moving right along.  I don’t remember his first birthday away either but his second I do.

It was in the house I’m in now.  Someone from the family called to I guess wish him a happy birthday.  They wanted to talk to all the kids because it was their dad’s birthday.  The kids didn’t even know, and why should they?   So the caller let the kids know it was their dad’s birthday.

I know that it was all with good intention, but that’s just the thing, when you lose someone the way I did, good intentions, a lot of the time, make life harder for me.   That’s all I’m trying to avoid.  Harder.  It’s hard enough, so those things we do to celebrate each other, it’s great and I’m not inherently against birthdays.

My main focus is getting through it all, and Grant’s birthday, is not something I need in my life, and neither do the kids.  It just reminds us all, that we’re not celebrating it BECAUSE he’s not here.   We don’t need that reminder, remember, we live that reality every day, and so can you see why I wouldn't want to celebrate it?  

The one thing I can say I do on his birthday is carry on a family tradition.  It’s something that Grant brought to our family from his family.  It’s a beautiful thing.  On a birthday, everyone takes a turn to say something they love about the birthday person. 

So each year when it is Grant’s birthday and someone has so kindly reminded my children that it’s their father’s birthday; we do talk about him and the things we loved about him.   Loved in the past tense because it was then and isn’t now. 

Yes, we still love him, but the things we love are loved now because they are not here to love anymore, remember; that’s why we are not celebrating today.  Just living our lives on another day that’s changed since everything changed at his passing.

So this year when we got to that birthday and I got the questions; what are you doing for his birthday, I said we are doing nothing, he’s dead.  And that ended the questions.  I’m not callus I don’t think, I’m just trying to live in peace and not so much pain.