For so long, I’ve felt angry.  So angry at Grant for leaving us the way he did.  It was so selfish.  It was his fault.  I’ve not felt mad at God at all because I’ve squarely blamed Grant for all of it.   But, I don’t like it.  I'm not happy in those feelings.  Yet, it’s so easy to go that direction…

Today though, I laid down on the couch outside, the sun had been up for just a short time and I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin as the cool morning air warmed up with the dance of the sun on my skin.  I heard birds sing.

The breeze in the trees rustled the leaves that are just becoming bright green as spring sets in.  I drink a warm cup of coffee with honey and chocolate and felt my body warm with the liquid and the sun. A feeling of bliss came over me. 

I looked up at my backyard and saw all of nature around me in a way that brought to my realization that what I want is all around me.   Regardless of how I’ve felt all this time, I had a realization that I’m exactly where I want to be and have exactly what I want. 

All these years of feeling anger and trying to run from it, has motivated me to do all the things I thought it would take to forget it.  In the process, I’ve created exactly the life that I want.  And then something happened… I felt grateful.  

I’m grateful to Grant and the life we built that made this moment possible.  And though I don’t have him and with all my heart I wish I did; I felt a kind of peace and love for him.  I felt it for me too and for us.  

I felt a sense of forgiveness that I’ve been avoiding in order to hold onto an anger.  Anger that I don’t really need or want when the gratitude feels so much more beautiful.   It felt so different and lovely and free. It’s free from what I keep reaching for while trying to avoid the hurt. 
For this moment I could stop it and that felt like bliss.  As I watched the birds flutter from branch to branch and my little boy meander out to sit with me; I realized that I can be happy.   Even in pain, even with anger, I can forgive.  I can love.  

I can be grateful in my loss, despite the loss and because of loss.  I have everything I need and I am grateful.  I love you Grant.  I’m sorry I’ve been so angry.  I’m even more sorry you’re still gone, but I’ll keep doing my best.