Grief is a powerful detector of what you value. When tragedy occurs, the aftermath of grief causes everything else you thought was once important to fall away sometimes instantaneously. The real, hard, work, starts when you find the strength to start picking up the pieces of what’s left.

Putting those pieces together and trying to figure out what it all makes as it comes back together, is the process of discovering a brand new creation. A new creation that could not have been possible to build without the shattering of the original.

And, a creation that is not possible to build without believing that something worth finding is left. That’s not always easy when it feels like everything you knew and loved is gone as it was is destroyed.

I’m going to dig into it. Why I am here? Why am I still alive? What do I want to make of my life? My husband’s gravestone is right near us in our backyard. And so I come out here and I get to say hello and good morning to him. Not that I really believe that he’s there.

No, he’s not buried there, I just put the gravestone there. He was cremated so his body is not actually out in my backyard. The ability to see the gravestone, and remember him is there. I still have his ashes in my room. I did put some of his ashes out there.

It’s a monument to him. It’s monumental of the life that he lived. It’s a reminder for me to live as fully as he did especially on the days where I am mad at him for being gone. When I don’t feel like handling more of life with 4 children alone, owning a business and being single and when I feel like there is so much going on, sometimes I’ll look at that in anger.

I’ll be thinking what a waste of rock and space, that your sitting there looking at me only from your gravestone when you should be here and you should be helping me raise the kids. You should be with me. You should be alive. None of those things are true and so it’s one of those reminders to me that I don’t always get what I want but I always have what I need.