What caught my attention today, were the toys of our little boy.  He brought up all his toys so he could play with them in my newly finished room. Now that I’m here, the kids are drawn to this space.  Wherever I go, they follow.  I can just sit somewhere and pretty soon, all 4 of our children have gathered.  My newly finished room is a new gathering place. My first night here is just now done. My first sunrise, now done. Was it supposed to be a super peaceful night, or was I supposed to feel some inner fanfare?  Really, it was just another thing I wanted to get over with and now I have. 

Last night I got up to check on the kids one more time before going to sleep in my new room. The second oldest was still awake in his bed. He asked if he could sleep with me. I said yes and we walked to my room together.  I let him listen to my story with me.  At 9:40, he fell asleep.   Just after 10 the baby came in.  In the dark, I heard his door open and little feet pattering in the dark. My door opened and the baby crawled into my bed. 

We just looked at each other in the dark. The light of the moon reflecting in his eyes through those open windows.  He climbed into the other side of my bed.  I listened to his rhythmic sucking on his bottle.  I love that sound. It fills me with love for this sweet little child.  He fell asleep around 10:30.  At 3:47 the 6 year old came up.  He looked at both of my sides already occupied with his brothers, stopped for just a second, then crawled into the bed anyway and settled in next to the baby.  With so many sounds of breath around me, I was now awake.  My head hurt, aching from the crying of going to bed alone that night.  Then my bed filled up overnight, and I laid awake in the dark surrounded by little bodies.  

Today, I woke up with three little boys in my bed.  I was in the middle with the two little ones to my right and the bigger one on my left.  I started out alone in bed last night. Besides loving to cuddle them and have them around, I also felt alone in my responsibility for them. I cried and cursed Grant again for doing this to me.  I laid there looking through the windows in the darkness before dawn, watching the grand pine sway in the wind. 

At 7 am my alarm went off, I was already awake, still, so tired.  It was now time to get the boys ready for school though, no more laying around in bed, no matter how tired I still was. Yet, still, I laid there in the midst of these precious boys watching them still sleep.  I just laid there among them.  Relishing the sounds and sights of their little sleeping forms.  Feeling the love filling my heart for them.  Basking in the light coming in the window and being so cozy next to them.  

They began to stir and as each one opened their eyes, there I was, eyes staring right into theirs, smiling.  Each smiled back and closed their eyes.  They do that when I’m there.  They wake up, see me, and smile.  The kind of smile that says, ahhhh mom, you’re here.  I can go back to sleep.  When I’m not there, their eyes open, dart around looking for me.  When they don’t see me, they jump out of bed to come find me. 

They awoke shortly again and all began to meander out of the room. I still don’t want to get up.  It hurts; my head, my body, my eyes, my heart.  If I don’t get them off to school though, they won’t go. I get up.  Get them off to the bus, then head straight back to my bed.  I tell the baby, “Mommy needs more rest, so I’ll be in my bed if you need me.”  He’s playing with his toys and says, “Ok mommy.”

I head up.  The sun is just beginning to shine through the windows with its brightness.  It’s beautiful.  I lay back down and bring the covers up close around me and close my eyes.  The sadness and tiredness taking over.  I just lay there as the sun moves over me, my bed and through the room.  All that light I wanted, it's here. As it moves, I can’t get out of bed.  I just want to stay here, so I do. 

Soon I hear the familiar sounds of the baby, he’s here.  He’s coming in and out of my room.  I just lay there trying to sleep.  He comes in again, puts something down then leaves.  I sleep some more.  I can hear his bustling.  He’s in the room again, chattering, playing.  He’s just here.  I’m here too, but all I want to do is go back to sleep.  I’m kind of sleeping, but listening for him too.  He brings up his bottle and a carton of milk.  “Fill my baba with melk,” he says. “All the way to here,” as he points to the top. 

I saw the carton of milk. He knew I wouldn’t get up to get it, but if he brought it to me, he knew I would pour it for him. I do.  I fill it up ¾, then start to put the lid on.  “No, all the way here,” he points to the top again.  Ok I think and I finish filling it.  He smiles and gets into the covers with me.  He snuggles in, and I finally fall asleep, again.   He just lays next to me, not sleeping but content.  The rhythmic sound of his sucking fills me with joy that he’s here and being nourished and filled.  Me too. 

When I finally wake up enough to be awake for the day, my heart is heavy.  I see the baby; smile at him, hold him, kiss him and love him.  We get out of bed and get him dressed.  Once I’ve got my bearings, I’m back up to my room to get dressed myself. Let’s see if I can start some kind of a day.  I see my bed filled with toys, that’s what he brought up.  One by one, all his favorites ended up at the foot of my bed so that he could play where I was when I couldn’t get out of bed.  His cars, rocks, pirate ship.  All his things. 

He brought them up to play with so he could be close to me.  I’m seeing a baby who wants to play and be in the presence of his mom so he feels safe. He needs me.  He needs to be by me. Even when I can’t get out of bed, he can entertain himself and play in my room while I just lay there. Even though I was unable to play with him in that moment or even get out of my bed; it’s almost as if he was saying I’m here for you mom.  I’m holding you.   It’s like he’s not the baby for a moment as if he’s holding me in his understanding of what I need while he quietly plays and takes care of himself so he can take care of me.