Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash.  When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought.  I’m still married.  After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.

A woman who wears a wedding ring on her finger has a husband who actually comes home.  He helps with the dishes and plays with his kids.  I don’t have that.  No.  I don’t have a husband that comes home to me.  I can’t wear this anymore. My next thought was, but I can’t take it off either.   What do I do? Grant had an idea he wanted to share about this.

While I was at my yoga teacher training, we all sat on the floor in a big group.  We were doing a quiet meditation.  I felt Grant slip silently into the room and sit next to me.  He had a perfect yogic posture.  It was as if he were showing off, and showing me up.  A feat he could not do in this life when it came to yoga.  “Show off,” I said in my mind. 

As I sat there, I looked at my ring again.  What am I going to do with this?  I don’t want to take it off. I can’t keep wearing it.  I don’t want to forget.  I want something I can still wear, maybe on my right hand that will symbolize this ring without being this ring anymore.  It’s got to be new, just like this life, my situation and Grant’s form.  I can’t keep living an old life that no longer exists.  This has to change.  Into what though? 

Then he whispered, “Tiffany.” 

“Tiffany?”  I questioned. 

“Yes,” he said.

“Like Tiffany diamonds?” I wondered.

“Yes.”

“You want me to get a Tiffany diamond?!”

“Yes, go get yourself a Tiffany,” were his exact words.

His words transferred to my mind.  I didn’t hear them, but what I heard was an extract or transference of thought through the memory of his voice in my mind. I felt his energy close to me as well.  It was so sweet.  I was so deep in my grieving, I couldn’t really know for sure what was real and what wasn’t, as I lived between seen and unseen in my own self.

Hum… I thought as I pondered this.  Ok, that sounds fun.  I’ve never really been there except once to see what the hype was.  At that time I had walked in, looked for 3 minutes and left with, “Oh just another jewelry store.” I’ve never been back since or thought of it even once.  So I know this thought was not from me, for sure.

I imagined what I’d get, perhaps a nice anniversary band that I can wear on my right hand. It would remind me of this life I lived, but in a way that would allow me to move on.  I may get remarried I thought.  I don’t want to just wear a new ring and forget this one either.  I want something I can always look at and remember our love, even if I find a new love. I didn’t give this marriage up, it just disappeared.  I had no say over it. 

I thought to ask him, “Well, do you have something in mind?”

“Yes,” was the immediate response.

“What is it?”

“You’ll know it when you see it,” he said. 

With that I felt him lift off into the higher realms of the room, hovering above me and back to my left, as he continued the meditation with us.  Levitating… I thought.  You really are a show off!

On my way home from the training, I thought, well, I could quickly stop on my way home.  I know my kids have been missing me, but I’d really like to see if I can find what Grant wants to show me. I want to see if I got the message right. I couldn’t resist.  I stopped.  I had the pressure to get home to my babies, and the desire to connect with Grant’s message.  I walked into the Tiffany at City Creek in Salt Lake. There is only one in Utah. It was on my way home, it was meant to be. 

As I walked in, I took in the luxury of the store.  Remembering how when we got married and looked for rings the first time, our budget was nowhere near just about everything in this store.  I was in the feeling of remembering when I was pulled back to now. I heard, “Is there anything you’re looking for today?”  Yes, where are the anniversary bands?  I was sure what Grant had in mind was in there. 

The sales person pointed me over to a display case.  There was another customer irritatingly taking up the space of nearly the whole display of the anniversary bands.  There were a few I liked, but nothing really stood out.  I must need to try them on to know, I thought. I tried to slide around this other customer.  (Pre Covid times, without social distancing).  I scooted as close as I could without being creepy, but I really wasn’t able to get a good view.  I saw a few I liked, but then gave up trying to push my way in.

While I waited, I decided to look around the store.  Maybe something else would pop out. I walked around the whole entire store, keeping my eye on the anniversary band section where that other customer still stood.  It’s like she was going to be there all day, I thought, annoyed. 

When I reached the last display cabinet I hadn’t looked at yet, something caught my eye.  I looked closer and was surprised to see 3 tiny rings with an eternity insignia in diamonds on the top of each one.  It was in gold, in platinum, and in rose gold, all the same design.  When I saw them, my heart jumped as I looked over them. My eyes stopped on the rose gold one.  “Are these it?” I thought.   “Yes!  You found it!!”  I felt his energy say to me so clearly.  My heart immediately responded and began to pound as I felt his excitement.  

Oh wow… I thought. I did get the message right. And there was more.  My wedding ring was white gold and I assumed what I got now would match so I could wear them together.  I hadn’t thought of wearing or switching to any other color, especially not a gold.  I was a white gold, silver, platinum girl.  All the jewelry I love and keep is one of these. Truth be told, I don’t own anything that is actual platinum.

I asked to try on the platinum ring.  This would be my first platinum piece.  It was beautiful I thought, as I put it on. I still felt something was off though as I glanced at the rose gold one.  The platinum ring was a size 7 and too big for my ring finger on my right hand.  We can order it in, they said it would take a week or so.  

My first wedding anniversary without Grant was next week. I was going back to Hawaii where we got married.  I was going there to remember and to spread his ashes.  It was a pilgrimage trip.  I felt he wanted to give me this ring for our anniversary, ON our anniversary.   I needed it sooner. I was leaving in 5 days.

You know, the sales person casually mentioned, the platinum is a gold ring dipped in platinum. It will fade and you’ll need to have it dipped again.  Oh I thought… that seems cheap.  If I buy this one it will wear away… ugh I thought.  I kept looking at the rose gold one.  It was so different from anything I’d ever pick. 

“Can I try on the rose gold?”   I picked it up and slid it on my finger.  It was an exact perfect fit.  I felt my heart jump.  I felt Grant wanting to say more.  The salesmen said, “Do you know how rose gold is made?”  As if Grant had whispered that in his ear. No, I didn’t.  “It’s made by adding copper to gold for color. The combination of the two makes it stronger than the gold alone.  The word ‘alloy’ popped into my head. “You mean like an alloy,” I said. “Yes. Exactly,” he replied, seemingly surprised I knew the term. 

Oh I thought.  Grant had loved to mix melted metals.  It was one of his favorite projects to melt metals down.  He’d talked all about alloys and how when you mix two metals to become an alloy, it becomes stronger than either was individually on its own.  They then,  can also never be separated.  They become one and something new and stronger than either could be on their own.   His words and excitement came back to me from the memory of his projects doing this. 

Oh I said in my head to Grant, “This is a symbol of us.  We’re an alloy.”  “Yes exactly,” he said.  Now I could feel his energy just bouncing as he lit up with excitement that I had found the ring. I got the message, and interpreted it.  He was buzzing.  I could feel it.  I was buzzing.  It was incredible.  Right there in the jewelry store my body felt like it was about to float away with excitement.  I could hardly contain myself.  I’ll take the rose gold one I said.  Then I saw the price, I questioned Grant, do you really want me to spend that much on a ring?

“Yes!  I want you to value it.  The more you pay for it, the more you’ll value it.”  He knew me well.  Had I bought the same type of ring on amazon for $50, I would lose it eventually. ‘You really want me to remember you don’t you,’ I thought.  “Yes!”  Was the immediate response.  You sly one you, Grant… ok well, I’ll do it.

I bought it.  I gave it to myself for what would have been our 12th wedding anniversary, the first one we’d spend apart.  I went to the place we got married.  I sat in the grove of trees where we took our wedding photos on our wedding day.   I was there again.  This time to leave a little of him in the place where I gave him all of me the day I said yes. 

I put on the ring. I opened the box of ashes and left just a little of him there.  I had no idea what would be coming in my future that day 12 years ago. I didn’t know I’d be back 12 years later, not with Grant, but holding what was left of him in a little black box.  A reminder that life takes turns we don’t expect. 

For me, I realized it’s not about preparing for anything that can happen, but being the person who can be in whatever happens.  It’s a test of who I am.  Thanks for the beautiful ring Honey. I’ll treasure it. I’ll wear it every day and think of you.  Happy Anniversary.