I saw a flash of movement.  It was fast and it was dark.  My oldest boy had just taken off on the one-wheel.  I instinctively knew he was headed to the park.  Anger flashed in my heart as I saw him fly down the street.  He wasn’t wearing a helmet. It was dark. He was not wearing pants.

I had 3 little kids sleeping in the house. No adult to be there with them if I went after him.  The first foreshadowing of what my new life would be.  The conflicts of single parenting, no one at home, unless it was me.  If I left while they were sleeping, and if any of them woke up to the darkness with no answer from mom or dad, how would that feel?  Well one thing was already certain, there would never again be a response from dad in the dark of night, only me. So I had to be there. 

If I stayed, I wouldn’t know where my oldest was.  As I contemplated this, I got in the car as quickly as I could to chase after him, leaving the three alone. I wanted to get him home so I knew where all of the rest of us were to await the news.  I needed us all to be home while we waited.  When I got to the park, he was sitting on the picnic table right by his Dad’s truck.  The truck was parked in its usual spot, but his motor glider was missing as was Grant.  His truck was empty and his little boy was sitting on the table waiting for dad to come back even now near midnight. 

I pulled up and yelled at him, “What are you doing?” “I’m waiting for dad to come back.” “It’s almost midnight,” I scolded. “You didn’t tell me you were leaving. Your dad is missing and you can’t wait here alone in the dark all night. That’s when I said it, words that would haunt me the next morning after I did find out and knew with certainty. What I was about to say was true, but without certainty, there was a chance it wasn’t quite true yet while our son waited.  

“For all we know dad could be dead!”  Those words…. Hearing them come out of my mouth at that moment, I didn’t believe it could be so, but as they left my lips, a sinking feeling entered my stomach and I now only hoped they weren’t.  

Then, I continued to our son, “so waiting out here isn’t going to help anything when we’ve got a search party checking. Right now your brothers are at home asleep but alone and I’m freaking out!  When I see you leave and don’t know where you’re going, that creates ANOTHER problem, ANOTHER missing person!  We have enough to worry about without you adding to it.”  He stared at me.  Jumped off the table and got in the car. He didn’t say a word.  

It wasn’t the way I wanted to be. I wanted to care for my son and handle the situation with the strength and ability anyone would be proud of. I was terribly scared myself.  Him leaving scared me that much more, so I got angry at him.  He triggered another part of the fear in me, another thing I couldn’t control and I realized it. However the realization brought no comfort at all. 

When I said those words, “For all we know, dad could be dead,” I believed them, but I couldn’t comprehend them.  Not until someone besides me told me he was dead. Not till there was empirical evidence would I believe what I felt.  No way.  I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I knew, but I knew. 

The police then showed up, yes, at the park.  He’d been to the house, but couldn’t find me.  HUMPH!  Exactly why we shouldn’t be leaving the house son, I yelled in my head!!!

We got in the car and listened to the update the police had. The had sent a helicopter to retrieve Grant.

Afterward I tucked my son back into bed and told him the best thing he could do was go to sleep so we’d be ready to have dad back tomorrow.  He reluctantly agreed and sleep finally took over, he was out.  Ahhh… finally I thought.  All 4 boys in bed and asleep.