Within 4 hours of finding out Grant was dead, I sat down to write. I had lost my bearings. The kids were asleep, the unaware sleep of ignorance to our new reality. I was alone and I had no idea how I was going to do this upcoming day. Our adventure, plans, life together was suddenly non-existent.

The first thing I felt, with some level of relief, was that he fully understood me. The first thing I wrote was, ‘Now he knows all my secrets.’ Not that I had big secrets I hid.’ Maybe one, but that’s not something I’ll write here.

I felt him comprehend how my mind worked now. The reasons behind the things I did. I felt understanding and awe coming from him about all the feelings going through my heart. Perceiving now, how my brain processed things and  brought life into my actions. The sublime feeling of man being able to truly understand a woman.   

As I wrote, I felt him stop at my word ‘secrets’, saying, “What secrets do you have? I want to know.” This time I didn’t have to explain in words, the message transferred from my heart to his mind and he knew. It was so fast, even instantaneous. That’s the power of the world in the next life, whatever it is. It’s like here, but also totally different, that’s what he told me. 

I felt relief from all the years I’d supported him unceasingly, in everything, and not quite feeling that it was completely returned. I felt the compassion from him that I’d been looking for in life. All the things a man doesn’t grasp about a woman, now I felt he had clarity.

When you know a person, you know their energy. When they’re around you feel them present, especially when you share your life, your house, your heart and your body. When you share everything with them like you do with a spouse, feeling that energy is no different when they’re dead I’ve come to know. 

He was right there with me. His presence was real. Despite all the unknown of life after death, I know what I felt. It was him, some form of him. The same feeling, energy, just no body with his presence. It wasn’t different at all from how it felt when he was alive and standing next to me.

Then Grant left. It was just like he walked out the bedroom door.

The funny thing was, he didn’t fully seem to know he was actually dead. I could feel that from him. He was just hanging around the house, like usual, but with an odd sense of something different. And he had more awareness.

  There was a lot just ahead for him to learn, just like me. I had no idea what was before me. Maybe he didn’t either. Amazingly, neither of us were scared in that precious moment together. Somehow we were just peaceful in the moment, with an assurance everything would be ok. The shock of the moment: him being dead, me being alive, covered the feelings that would come. 

Neither of us knew what we were feeling yet.  So for both of us, we could feel peace even when there should be none.  It would be ok. We just didn’t know how. Honestly, I still don’t know how, all the time. Piece by piece I see it and feel it. One day at time.

Oh how I’m glad that particular day is over. I’m glad this whole year is over, for that matter.

But oh, how I miss the strong presence of Grant.

It’s been a year, it’s been too real, how that beautiful energy of the life he lived is just gone.