For too long I was looking for a home that doesn’t exist here. It’s the place where Grant is now.  I had been alive, but longing to be somewhere else.  A place I thought to be better than here.  What I didn’t realize was how much of here I was missing, longing to be there.  Now I see what I missed.  I see it fully now, because part of it is lost to me.  That’s a hard lesson to see what you had, only when it’s taken from you. 

As I struggled to stay upright, walking around my quiet house the morning I found out Grant died, contemplating how will I do this?  I heard Grant say, “I’ll be able to help you more over here than I could over there.”  I instantly knew it was true.  I looked at the sink though, full of dishes, how are you going to help me with those?   Those dishes aren’t going to get done unless I alone do them now. 

You’re not here to help.  How will it be that you can help me more over there?  Yet, I still believed the statement was true.  I just couldn’t comprehend the how of it, I’m still discovering the how, through seeing miracles each day.  Now I see the home here in this world, where I experience the things around me that I can see and touch and taste and smell.  The home with my children in it.

Grant’s death was the birth of a new life.  It had to be.  The old life we had was dead, it died the moment he did.  My choice then was either to try to cling to something that didn’t exist anymore or start a new life and live in it fully.  

Now is the time for me to plant my feet on the ground, the ground of this earth.  Commit to being in this place and make it my home for now, till it’s my time to go back to the home I came from.  That time is not now.  It may not have been Grant’s time either.  And so I see in the lesson, how vital it is to be here while I have this body. 

I now see what I was trying to do before so clearly.  I was trying to be in two places.  I very much wanted a Heaven that once was home to still be my home and yet, here I am on earth.  Now I needed to make them one and the same with my whole heart here on earth.  Before I lived with part of my heart off and away in a place I couldn’t see. 

Once I found Grant, my new physical home was with him, and in my heart he was my home.  Now Grant and my heart are both in a place I couldn’t see. I had to let both go, to make a choice to be here, present.  Let go of what I longed for and what I lost.  I needed to do this to live fully. To allow my heart to return to me and let go of who had held my heart. 

Death showed me life. The first day I woke up to life fully, was the first day my husband didn’t wake up. The shock of it created a new awareness of truth I can never unsee.  Where I am now is a home I have to make for myself, so I have begun to create it.  I now see the power in creation versus reaction on a new level. I feel the awareness that comes when living in creation. Ironically, that awareness was born out of reaction, reaction to what I saw that died.  I need to create my life, and it was up to me, not we. 

I was looking to find ‘home’ in the moments after Grant died. As I felt Grant speak those words that morning, it was there, that feeling, my original home, the one I couldn’t see, only feel.   It was more than a house, it is the place where memories come from, the source of those feelings you feel and the memories that awaken them.  You don’t see that place, but it’s there.  It’s true. 

This is how I knew what he said was true.  I could still be connected to that home if I chose, I always was anyway.  Knowing that, now it was time to choose this home, fully.  I finally discovered what it was I had tirelessly searched for, I was afraid to be here fully because I didn’t want to loose there, the home I came from before I came to earth. 

Now I could see I needed to stay here.  I now felt what it meant to BE here, because I could finally feel so fully, the pain and the joy of life was now more equal than it ever had been.   That’s when I fully realized what it meant to be in a body.  The body I had, the body my husband now could not use any longer.  I felt how it was time to choose it.  Choosing here, this place, being in my body.   

I see how it could be true, what Grant said about helping me, without knowing how it was possible, but knowing it is possible. Knowing it will happen.  That’s faith, to believe in things that are true, without seeing the how, but being in the how, that’s the choice.  Being able to live in trusting there was a how, meant choosing to be present now.  

The day I woke up to life was the day he didn’t wake up.  It was now my choice to become better, or die because I wouldn't or couldn’t accept what now was.  That is when I saw clearly the choice to start living in creation versus reaction.  

Powerfully stepping into choice to find my new self, establish my new home, to be here fully for our children; brought me the awareness I needed to be able to create all this. It’s a new fully present self. I did.  I committed to being in this home on earth.  My home is here, that is clear now.  I choose to live it, I said it out loud.  I choose to be here. Declaring it out loud made it feel real for me to know this place, on earth, where my kids are, and where my husband is not, is the place I choose to be.  

I see now how my choice to be in the awareness of living is creation.  Creation is the only thing that will save me from my own grief, my control of wanting something I can’t have, the truth that I’m not the one in charge of life, only that my choice is be in it or out of it.   That’s what I didn’t see before.  I’m awake now to the way life is created.  Through choice and awareness. 

My life wouldn’t ever be like what it was before, living in unconsciousness, feeling like I was orchestrating all things around me, when really, I was just reacting to the things around me. No, I would never be like that again, there is too much to lose when you think you’re in control of your life by responding to it.  Response is not creation but reaction.  I am now committed to a life of creation vs. reaction, and that’s what saved me.