“Mom, mom, watch!!” I smiled at his excitement, a common exclamation from children to their parents. And hopefully it’s not some catastrophe in the making! Which has actually happened a lot at my house, while my husband was alive and since he passed. Did you know Grant was arrested for an explosion in our backyard once?!

 My son wanted to show me his project as he ran excitedly into the kitchen. It’s bliss for me when a child discovers something. Absolute bliss. From his joy he wants to share it. Children run to the ones they love when they spontaneously share. For my boy, it’s me, his Mom. Wow, I am blessed to be the one he wants to share his joy with!

He was experimenting with a project he saw his dad do on a video. He’d found a glass bottle, filled it with water and microwaved it.  He then had a bowl of cooler water waiting to put the microwaved glass jar into. It’s supposed to create a vacuum affect and suck up all the water in the bowl. It’s science. (The link to Grant’s video is below.)

He saw it in his dad’s video. Now this 9 year old is all ready to do science projects like his dad. The ones his dad created. But where is his Dad? Where the hell is his Dad!? He’s gone. But here’s a little boy excited to do his dad’s science experiments and there’s no dad to see them. No dad to help him with what his dad originally created. Just me.

So when my boy runs in with excitement for his dad’s science project, my smile fades when
I realize it shouldn’t be me who’s running to show. It should be his dad who’s running to show. Why isn’t his dad here? That’s such a good question? Why, is the question with so many answers.

 What I then feel, is a mixture of sadness, anger and frustration. The concoction of feelings created in a second. It is severe grief overtaking that previously blissful moment. Instantly, instead of being in the joyful place with my son, I’m cursing my husband for not being there. For spending all the time he did have with us, while these boys were babies, making these video science projects.

As soon as our boys are finally old enough to do the projects with him, he’s nowhere to be
found. I curse him again. How could he do this to us? Then, I look at my little boy and with a smile on my face, I say let’s figure this out. Why? Well, because when he took the bottle out of the microwave and put it in the cool water, it didn’t work. The water just stood still.

His excitement from watching his dad’s video, quickly collecting all the materials and trying it on his own; consequently, turns from exhilaration and enthusiasm to disappointment and defeat. Somehow he didn’t do it right. But it worked on the video. Why didn’t it work for him? The answer was actually simple, the water wasn’t hot enough. When he made the water hot enough in the microwave, it worked.

If his Dad we’re here it would be such a fun Sunday at home, doing projects and working
together. Now I’m left to figure this out on my own, without the creator of the creations, the artist who spent his whole life working on discovering and mastering these projects to share with his boys. He also happened to be this particular child’s dad. And this child’s dad, he’s just gone.

The reality of this boils my blood. Can you say, grief process....? Now I’m mom AND I’m dad. Since Dad is the King of Random, I’m supposed to be everything he was. I’m supposed to handle all he left behind that he so easily managed, plus all the jobs I’d had before.

The job of more than 2 people, we did together as a team. I’m now left to do it all alone and I’m only 1 person without the synergy of 2 with 4 little boys whose needs are greater now than before.

Those ratios are grossly off of what my capacity is. Those 4 little boys, all of them want to be just like their dad, and their dad is the only thing I can’t give them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJogl5NPyFY