The Stars By Benson Boone speaks to me so deeply and perfectly expresses my feelings. Sundays are so different now. I like them better, but they’d be better with you.

I love you Grant Thompson, and I always will… Sunday mornings were our favorite. I used to meet you down on Woods Creek Road. You did your hair up like you were famous.

Even though it’s only church where we were going. Now Sunday mornings I just sleep in. It’s like I buried my faith with you. I’m screaming at a god, I don’t know if I believe in because I don’t know what else I can do.

And I’m still holding on to everything that’s dead and gone and I don’t wanna say goodbye because this one means forever. Now you’re in the stars and 6 feet’s never felt so far. Here I am between the heavens and the embers.

Oh I hurts so hard, for a million different reasons. You took the best of my heart and left the rest in pieces… It’s amazing watching videos of our lives then and how much has changed, so much so after loss.

I found a video of me asking Grant where he was while we were at the airport. I wanted him to tell the camera audience. How could I have known the meaning of the question “Honey, where are you?” would become so vastly different.

Just a few months after I asked him that question when I knew exactly where he was when I asked then, isn’t the same question now. I don’t have a good enough answer to that question anymore. 

And the truth is, no one KNOWS where he is. There are many beliefs and philosophies on where he might be, but may I share that an answer based on a belief alone, doesn’t bring me any comfort.

It doesn’t make any of the every single days I wake up to the reality that he is gone easier.  Belief in where he is, doesn’t help me raise the children he left behind, who now live every real day without their dad. 

Belief doesn’t make any of the thousands of other things I do without him ease the heaviness of being alive without a partner who promised to do this life with me.  Some days are beautifully sad, some challenging, others full of joy and happy giggles. 

Each day brings its energy and I function with what I am given and make it into something better. From a wonderful song this morning, to a warm bath this evening. Tonight I am super grateful for Hot Running water! It was out for a week. Why do I appreciate things more when they’re gone?