The power of Influence vs force.  I’m learning how to be in influence without forcing.  I’ve discovered it starts with a process of accepting. It’s a process of acceptance in general.  Today, my 9 year old son was reading at the counter.  The floor was covered in crumbs and that bugs me, a lot. The crumbs bug me, not his reading at the counter. 

In this situation,  I’d possibly get huffy about having to clean up while he's sitting there reading.  I might have the attitude of I’m doing all the work around here. I may internally go into the thoughts about how my husband died and I’m raising these boys by myself. I then might keep going with myself that they’re not helping and they don't see how much I do. They just get to relax.

After all that complaining internally, I’d clean the floor and I’d be happy about how it looks while annoyed about how it got done.  Today, I looked at the floor, then I looked into myself.  It is just that, a floor with crumbs. They bug me.  Riley has no problem with crumbs on the floor.  He is good if it’s clean or crummy!  

I then looked at my boy and I said, “Riley, do you see how many crumbs there are on the floor?”  He paused, looked up from his book  for a moment and looked at the floor.   He said, “yeah,” and went back to reading his book.

After this exchange, I went to get the vacuum out to vacuum it up.  I remembered this is important to me, not him.  This time I didn’t go to the victim's place.  Oh…  I do that so much lately... nobody helps me, the poor me bullshit of the mind that makes me unhappy.  I didn’t want to feel unhappy, so I didn’t go there. 

Those things that are so important to me I get to be responsible for. If he helps, I want him to do it because he chooses to help, not because I’m making him at this moment. It’s not like this is his specific chore or that he really needs to fix it in the middle of reading a book. 

It just bugs me and I’m the one that couldn't sit there and read a book with the floor looking like that.  And yes, I do feel a responsibility to teach him to notice his surroundings, which I did at the beginning of this exchange. Good gracious… Do I really want him to not be able to enjoy himself when the floor is messy?  What am I teaching here… I reconsider. 

I’ve done that kind of forceful teaching that I feel so responsible for, far too much.  I’m feeling that more and more in our relationship. It has become more and more strained and that hurts.  I decided that I would commit to let go.  I commit to be calm.  I commit to talk to him with respect. I will take responsibility for what’s important to me.

As I think of this I realize my son is 9 and I still treat him like he’s my baby cause, well,  that’s how I met him.  What I tend to do is state what is needed. I then give him one small job at a time, because apparently I forgot see him as capable of understanding. It goes like this:

“Hey Ri, can you look at me?  Ri, can you go to the laundry room?”
‘Why?” 
“Just come.”
“OKkkaaay.”

“Hey Ri, can you get the vacuum hose?” 

“Sure…”

“Would you plug it in?”

“Ok.”

“Hey Ri, can you come over here?”
“What???”
“Just come, and bring the vacuum…” He follows me to the counter.
“Hey Ri, see all those crumbs??  Can you vacuum them up?” 

Rolled eyes… “I guess.” 

It’s because he’s been forcefully told… And he has to do all these things without knowing what I really want till the end. It builds up a lot of anxiety and mistrust between both of us, and a lot of energy has been wasted. I’m exhausted. And the crumbs are still there.  Not to mention, he has no idea till he’s been thoroughly interrupted, why he was even interrupted in the first place. So we’re BOTH very annoyed. 

Not this time.  I approach with the vacuum hose and I say again, “Ri, do you see how many crumbs there are on the floor?  Doesn’t that look messy?”  

He pauses again, looks and says yeah.  He then jumps off the barstool and says, “I’ll sweep it up!”

“Oh wow, that would be so helpful!”  I exclaim, “Thank you!  I was just gonna vacuum it up cause it means a lot to me to have a clean floor.” 

He responds, “Oh!  I can vacuum it!  That’ll be faster.”

 “Yeah,” I say, “I was just about to do that, but it is so kind of you to offer!  Thank you!”  As he takes the vacuum and cleans up the floor.  I didn’t ask him.  I didn’t demand of him and he still knew.  He paused and saw what needed to be done and voluntarily asked if he could help because he’s smart and could instantly tell what it was. He then did it immediately and with excitement, because it meant something to me, his mom. 

AND the best part is I had no expectation of him doing it.  I planned to do it because I was owning my own needs and respecting those around me.   WOW I think… this feels good. I’m being responsible for what I value as important.  I’m sharing that awareness with my son.  I’m not even asking him to do anything.  

He’s actually smart enough to know what to do when an issue comes up.  He’s not a baby.  He can be responsible.  He wants to help.  When I show him respect, he shows me respect.  Most importantly though, when I take responsibility for MYSELF, that’s when it’s easy to teach responsibility.  

Now my mind is blown with how powerful I am when I don’t force, just invite.  When I invite in the space of giving awareness and not expecting anything from it.  Powerful!  How much would my life change if I lived from this space more often?  Only one way to know.  Be it.