Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Grant’s Truck
We pulled into the garage of the house we’d lived in when he died. There it was, parked as it had been the night the police officer drove it back and parked it there. The baby instantly recognized it. “Daddy’s truck is here!” he said, then… “is daddy here?” Nope, daddy’s not here. Daddy died. That conversation again.
Grant’s Shoes
I finally picked up Grant’s clothes from the mortuary. I had wanted them immediately, just to see if there was anything left of the essence of his life on the clothes he died in. The plastic cleaners bag told me, they didn’t give them to me till they’d been dry cleaned.
The World Stopped
I try to protect my precious little boy from the world, drugs, himself and being like his dad, but I can’t. I can’t protect him like I want to. I can’t live like this anymore.
I Got a Cat
I got a cat, it’s our first one. Seems innocuous enough on the surface. The thing is, Grant hated animals. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word hate. I don’t want to misrepresent. It felt extreme like that with him though.
Ready To Play With Dad
“Mom, mom, watch!!” I smiled at his excitement, a common exclamation from children to their parents. And hopefully it’s not some catastrophe in the making! Which has actually happened a lot at my house, while my husband was alive and since he passed. Did you know Grant was arrested for an explosion in our backyard once?!
One Dirty Shirt Left
Right after Grant died, I realized he, as in his body, would not be around to smell wonderful or terrible anymore. I found myself frantically going through the laundry to see if I could find any clothes that still smelled like him. I needed a shirt or something that still smelled like him. Damn! I was too efficient with the laundry.
Motherhood Never Sleeps
It’s 1 am on a warm summer night.
I’ve only been asleep for 90 minutes and I’m snatched from my beautiful deep sleep. I was finally in my dreamland where everything is peaceful. Where I rest and renew to have enough for the following day. The only place where I usually don’t remember that my husband is dead.
I Sold Grant’s Happy Place
I sold the house Grant bought 7 months before he died. The one he had to have so he could go flying. The house that got him out of the snow. The house he moved into with the hellish heat. The heat that I felt at his outside celebration of life funeral in July in that heat. The funeral he missed because he was dead.
Thank You for Driving
I didn’t yet understand why I had such an odd, even familiar feeling as I sat in the front passenger seat with my kids in the back.
Grant’s Grapefruit
Two full months after Grant died, I finally threw away his grapefruit. I knew myself better than to throw it away in the kitchen. I tossed it in the big trash can outside, the one that goes out on the street tonight… I’d already been holding onto it for 2 months. A grapefruit!
Becoming a Mom
I wanted the first baby. I admit that freely. The second, well, he was a sound business decision. The third? He was a total surprise. The fourth? Grant wanted that one.
Just After Dead
Within 4 hours of finding out Grant was dead, I sat down to write. I had lost my bearings. The kids were asleep, the unaware sleep of ignorance to our new reality. I was alone and I had no idea how I was going to do this upcoming day.
