Am I Over Him?
‘You’re still not over that?’
‘The death of my husband? No, I’m not yet over it, thanks for asking. In fact, I won’t ever “get over it.”’
‘Well… ya know a year is a reasonable time, and it’s been three… what’s up with that?’ I
look and blink my eyes in disbelief… ‘you think I should be over this?’
Yeah I thought I would too by now actually, but ya know what? I’m not. I now realize that I never will be. That awareness alone is a hard aspect of this whole process that I didn’t not expect. The day after Grant died, I thought I’d be fine a couple months later.
I had no idea what I was up for. This is not an event that happens and is over. Nor is it that you process it and then you’re over it. It’s something that changes who you are forever and that’s what I didn’t realize, until it happened to me.
It affects you on a level that impacts every aspect of life. Yeah, there are things that happen, that don’t affect you like that. So in “real” life after it’s been 3 years, people think… ‘oh well that’s a while ago and my life is fine, so shouldn’t you be over this by now?’
Get on with your life. Stop acting like a victim and get over it. It’s been long enough. It’s not a big deal anymore. But it is a big deal, still. It’s a big deal every single day of my life, and guess what?!?! I now realize that I will never be over this. Ever.
But… what I can tell you, is that I’ve learned to live with it; the grief, the loss, the pain, the growth, the struggle. That hardship that comes with all the loss that came from the event that is now over, but has not yet stopped affecting me.
After all these years, 3 to be exact; I found the words that have, for the first time, brought a comfort I didn’t know was possible. The validation that I really needed is here. The way for my hurt to be just held, instead of someone trying to make it feel better. I just felt understood with this song.
The hurt keeps hurting. Until I understand the hurt, it hurts so much. I’m afraid to admit how much it hurts until you can feel it with me. That’s been hard for me, to find in a way I can really relate to it with others. But I found it!
Right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i4_HJxc2Eo&ab_channel=PaulCardall
This song… I’ve listened to it so many times. Everytime a new layer of feeling permeates my soul in the 4 simple words “I know it hurts.” The music in the background lifts me as the words touch my heart. I FEEL for the first time.
I feel the words, “I know it hurts” and feel that the person saying it, knows. I feel the connection of how the hurt really feels and how deep it is. I feel how I live with it. It’s not going away, but its here to stay and is transforming me.
I played it a thousand times during the month of July as I waited for ‘the day’ to come, the 29th. It would make 3 years. I sunk into the deep sadness that 3 years ago, everyday in July until the 29th, he was still with me. The anticipation hurt deeply this year in a new way.
It allowed me to feel it without the shock. The shock and it’s protection had worn away over the years. All that was left this year was the hurt; not dulled, not masked, not pushed away. There, in it’s fullness. It hurt.
Now that it's officially been three years, that day that changed my life, is long since forgotten by others. That day didn’t change others lives other than planning a few hours to attend a funeral and thoughts of me and the kids. Maybe thoughts of how hard it must be every now and then.
It was just an event that happened and their life went on while my life would be branded something totally different from that moment on. How could I move on?? Those words in the song, I know it hurts, were the only thing that could bring me comfort.
This connection that felt real because the reality of how much it hurt and still does. It’s what I needed. I played it over and over. Each time I would hear those words again, I know it hurts. I’d say back to the song, it really does hurt, thanks for feeling it with me.
Thanks not trying to make it better. You know, you feel it, you have felt it, and that finally gave me the validation I’ve needed all this time. The place where it hurts is so deep that nothing will make it better. Nothing will ever make this better.
I also know that I will find a new version of myself, of my life and strength. It will come from that deep place I was thrust into. After all I’ve been through and continue to face, I form. As I descend into those deepest darkest places. I’ll form.
Those places have been carved out of the deepest pains I’ve felt so far. I feel the even stronger connection of the scars that are left. Out of that, I'll find even more joy in this life. I’m rebuilding. Even though all that joy is companioned with hurt that doesn’t go away, I feel it.