Dad

I saw this picture, the one with the two little boys and their dad in a boat together.  I remember that day, it was a few weeks before he was gone.  I remember the boys saying “Dad! Watch!”  “Dad! Look at this.”  “DAAAAAAD,” and they were calling for him. 

I remember them looking towards Grant, their dad.  I remember them each saying, that’s my dad.  Dad. Now it’s a word completely absent from our home.  I feel its absence in our home. I feel its presence the minute I walk into your home.  Some kid shouts out… that word, Dad!

In your home, ‘your’ meaning any other family who has a mom and a dad and the dad is around; I hear that word almost immediately when I enter. It pierces my heart.  Every time.   I hear your kids using that word, completely unaware of what it means, at least to me.

They are just using it as they always have, to call to their Dad and he answers to that call. That word brings a response with a male body that shows up or a voice that calls back. They are just calling a person they know is there.  Some man who will show up, is alive and will help with whatever they call for. 

He helps them find what they’re looking for or just takes a little of their crap when they say words with attitude.  Hum… I think.  I notice you say that word.  Every time. That’s when I realize, again, that we don’t say that word.  We don’t hear that word.

That word means nothing at our house and wouldn’t get any response if it were said.  If one of us were to call out “dad!” it would just be silent.  Because there is no response at the end of the sound. So when I hear it being said, so often when I’m around other children, I am in awe.

Others are constantly calling out that word and I’m in awe of how it is just a natural part of their world, their existence and one of the most oft used words in their vocabulary.   I notice it and I notice the silence of it in my experience.

When my dad is around and I use that word, I call out “Dad” to my dad and it feels painful. It’s not for any reason that has to do with my dad.   Just that when I say that, I know and I remember that my kids, they don’t say that anymore. I still have a dad, my boys don't and I wish they had a dad too.  

It’s not something you’d even notice. But, when I do, it feels almost as if the word disappeared from reality. It’s not because it has, it’s just my reality.  The true reality is that it still exists, just not for me anymore.  Those who use it, just as my kids before they stopped saying it, have no idea the meaning or significance of one simple 3 letter word.

When I hear it called out, so nonchalantly used, over and over and there is a response; I’m sad.  Even though it’s been 2 years, I’m even more sad about missing the sound of that word in my home because it’s been so long that it hasn't been a part of my children’s vocabulary. 

I remember from this picture, the boys saying, “Dad!” all day long and every day of their lives before that.  Then never again. I sit here remembering that sound for just a moment, the intonations and the fluctuation in their little voices. I remember how it was so natural. 

Now it means something so different. If that word is ever used in our home now, it’s prefaced with “remember when” then, dad… I feel angry towards the silence of it. I feel that void much more than I did in the beginning, because it’s been longer.

The pain of that void is bigger now and it’s also where I’m learning the layers that come with grief.  The things that you learn you miss, but not till after you miss them and how long it takes to learn these things. It doesn’t stop.

New and different facets of the same story continually reveal themselves in the  experience.  It’s new and different each time. Even though each layer hurts, each layer teaches a new thing.  What I think I’ve learned from this, so far, is that yes, that word is missing and our family is still functioning. 

Something I couldn’t have imagined possible.  And yet again, I see possible coming again from what I thought was impossible. Not only do I have a new reality, it’s a reality filled with things I never thought possible. The expanding of the reality that once was so small into something so much more true because it’s real reality.