I Had A Thought

I had a thought.  What if loving someone could actually help me in my life?  It was a fleeting thought. For a moment, before it left my mind, I thought maybe it could possibly come true. What if it could be true?

I’ve hesitantly ventured into the world of dating.  It’s scary and vulnerable for me to even think I could add anything else to my life.   I’ve found, in my age range, it’s a world of hurt people trying to sift through their hurt to find a new happy.

I sense a searching within this group, not for the giving of happiness, but trying to find it.  That scares me.  I know now that I can’t make someone else happy.  As I date, I have hope, but it’s dashed when I realize that what the other person is looking for, is for me to give them the happiness they hope for.

I already know that I can’t.  So, when I think about love… and trying to find someone again; I feel this overwhelming feeling of what I think is an insurmountable task. It seems impossible.  The difficulty in opening myself up to love again, allowing someone into my life, is not a simple task.  

My life is so much more complicated than it was the first time around. It scares me into thinking, I don’t have anything to give anyone, not with all I have to do now.  It will just be another thing to add to all I already have to do. And then I think, I can’t take any more.

And this thought, I know, is something that won’t help me in finding a beautiful new life with someone and with my children.   So this thought… what if loving again could add to my life?   It’s a new thought that keeps me up tonight.

I’m wondering if it could be true. In the meantime, I figure, it could be a better story I tell myself just in case it could be true. For this moment while I think about it, I get a glimpse of the feeling that it would be.  I recognize it immediately, it’s as if I could fall and not land.

For just a moment, instead of hitting my head or getting knocked down, as I feel is happening over and over again currently; I would fall and someone would be there to catch me.  Not save me, just catch me, the difference would be so I didn’t get hurt again.

In this feeling, I’d be helped, dusted off to keep going with a little less pain this time. That’s what would be different.  It wouldn’t necessarily be easier, I just wouldn’t fall and get hurt.  I’d fall and be caught, take a moment to feel being held and then keep moving on. 

I like the idea of that.  It feels nice.  It feels possible.  It feels wonderful to imagine big strong arms around me holding me for just a moment.  I revel in that feeling for just a bit of time. That feeling safe in life again, then moving on to life’s next adventure. 

It’s kind of the way God holds me now actually, but it would be a man who I could touch physically, hold like he holds me. It would be a man to love the way a woman wants to love a man.  What a fun thought for tonight…