Tired and Worn Out Cozy and Safe

I feel so tired. And I’m so blessed, I know.  I know how blessed I am as I sit here, in my exhaustion, wrapped up in a cozy warm blanket looking at the fire and watching a historical movie about Pearl Harbor with my son. 

As I sit here, tired to the bone; it’s not till after I cleaned the stove,  made a beautiful fire, cleaned the family room and sat down for the first time in almost a year and watched a movie.  I don’t ever sit down. I don’t watch movies.

I don’t enjoy the fruits of the labor I do, there’s just too much to still do. So I just keep going and now I realize too that I can’t keep doing it. Just for tonight, I’ve stopped.  I watch the blaze of the fire and think how beautiful it is, and it is so beautiful.  I’m in awe of it. 

The blaze glows and I think how lovely it is; the heat that comes from it, the light that comes from it, and the softly illuminating light that dances from the furnace all around the room in a gentle touch that casts out the darkness in the room.  I just stare at it. 

I am enjoying the movie, but the fire captures my attention.  I could turn the movie off and just stare at the fire.  I think how this is probably what people have done for thousands of years. They just stare into a fire and feel it transform them as the fire transforms whatever it is fed into the glowing blaze.

How beautiful is this transformation I think.  I’ve put in that stove an assortment of papers and bills and junk mail, some sticks the boys and I have collected on our hikes.  (Yes, I’m the mom whose like… hey boys!  Let’s pick up as many sticks on the trail as we can and carry them to the car.) 

Just the dried ones already on the ground of course.  It’s a fun activity and I love collecting kindling.  There is something therapeutic about that.  Then I have logs that my oldest son cut up.  In the wind storm last year, so many trees fell.

He took the chainsaw and cut them up into logs for the fire.  So many little things went into this fire. They are all transformed from what they were into a fleeting flame, filled with energy and full of light, warmth and life.  Yet, I know that it will not last.  It is a flame that is fleeting. 

It must be fed to stay alive.  I have enough for now to enjoy it, but then I know, the time will come it will die down.  I won’t give it anymore fuel and it will extinguish without more and more and more to keep it going. It will reduce down to nothing and go out. 

Now I realize, as I write this, that I am like the fire.  I keep feeding and feeding and feeding something in me, trying to keep it alive, when it’s meant to go out.  What is it in me?  I feel more of it dying and I no longer have the strength to keep it going.

I need to let it die out and just be ok with that, rather than trying to feed something that will never be satisfied. What do I keep feeding?  Hope?  They say hope is a good thing, yet when what you hope for can never be, it might be better to let it die. 

A positive attitude?  It’s also said that when you look on the bright side you feel better. While that may be true, feeing a positive attitude when you’re heartbroken inside?  It gets exhausting. 

Resisting?  Yeah, that’s what it is.  I keep resisting, and resisting is something that will never be satisfied.

It takes from you and is completely exhausting.  Why do I resist?  Why can’t I let go?  Well, as I sit here watching a movie with my son, we are cozy and safe.  I watch the story of so many who lost their lives and families and things they loved for this country I live in.

I think about how many of us make such painful sacrifices and life goes on. What comes after it, is different from what you knew before and it won’t ever go back. So to look back, it doesn’t help. It just brings a longing, sadness and resistance that can never bring peace. 

Now I know, it’s ok to stop.  I can just sit, relax, and watch the fire; knowing that it will be here for a while and then it will be gone. I’ll be cold again. It will again be dark again, but while I have the flame before me, it’s ok to just sit down and enjoy what I have. 
That’s when I understand what the fire is really teaching me.  All we have in reality is the moment that is and that’s not a difficult thing to enjoy if you can let it be with you.  Here I am enjoying being tired and worn out, cozy and safe. Now I’m not resisting any of it, even if it’s just for a moment.

I’m in the moment.  It’s a practice that I realize is what will bring that part of life that’s meant to really be appreciated. That no matter how good or bad, whatever else in life is happening, isn’t really the design. This is how life is meant to be lived.