10 Years Ahead

In 2019, when Grant died.  I was grasping for absolutely anything.  I bought this calendar, a 10 year planner.  I needed to plan the next 10 years of my life, to be able to get through that day I bought it.  I started doing just that. The first thing I wrote in it was the anniversary of Grant’s death.

I did this for every year and added how many years that year would be.  This year, it’s year 3. In just a few minutes I got to the 10 year anniversary of Grant’s death.  The kids would be 20, 18, 15 and 12.  What would they be like at those ages? 

How would I have gotten through all those years without Grant?  Who would I be then?  I’d be 46, who would I be as a 46 year old?  It seemed so far into the future then. The years do go by quickly as they say and at a snail's pace too.

I didn’t fill in much more than the death date anniversary.  I had a lot of life going on to fill my moments.  I moved our family twice, and remodeled our new house; then settled into our new home. I did a lot of other things to get through the days, one day at a time.  

As I filled out each year, of how many years it would be that he will have been gone, in the future, but writing it as past tense. I wondered what I’d be doing and where I’d be. I wondered how I would be doing as each year passed.   

Now that I’m at the 3rd anniversary and all those days have actually passed. Now that some of those days are behind me, not in some ethereal future… I feel very thankful.  I feel very sad and I feel very hopeful.  I feel proud of myself for making it this far. 

I feel strong in all I’ve done and who I’ve become.  I feel full of love for what life gives and that I don’t feel the naive ignorance of a reality that doesn’t exist. I no longer think everything is ok and judge others based on what they don’t know.  

I’m glad I’m not that person anymore.  I know that who I’ve become is a far better, more loving version of a human being than I ever have been before.  Hopefully it's not as good as I will be, given more time. 

I also know that losses will be in the future, and so will all the things that grow from them.  When I wrote that anniversary date in this very book, 3 years ago; if I could see where I am now, where I would be at; I'd have had a lot more hope and serenity about life that day when I wrote it all down.  

Now that the future is in the past and the present that would be has come, I realize how incredibly powerful every little choice, every single day is.  They matter.  I matter.  And it all creates a cumulation of who I am.  I’m the one who decides what that will become.  

I didn’t know exactly what it would turn out to be 3 years from when I wrote it all down.  I do know that in that moment, I needed to find a future that would matter. I needed to have something to hope for with all that was depending on me; those 4 little boys and most importantly, myself.  I have found that hope and continue to do so.