Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
A Sadness So Deep
How deep is sadness? So deep that is there a comparison to think of? I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sad. The other day I felt sad and I let myself feel sad. And it was a sadness so deep I didn’t know how big sadness could be.
The First Time I Left Them
I was so afraid to leave them for the first time, after their dad died. I had to take a picture before I left. It was just in case it was the last time I saw them. I wanted to make sure to have that last moment with me captured. We didn’t have that when dad died.
10 Years Ahead
In 2019, when Grant died. I was grasping for absolutely anything. I bought this calendar, a 10 year planner. I needed to plan the next 10 years of my life, to be able to get through that day I bought it. I started doing just that. The first thing I wrote in it was the anniversary of Grant’s death.
Why I Keep Your Helmet
I keep the helmet you wore when you died in the storage room. I don’t see it often, but enough. On good days, I pass right by it. On hard days, I stare at it and forget why I came into the storage room. It is in the Grant section on a shelf where it stays.
Hard Lessons (That Helmet Part II)
There’s a deep dent in the helmet you wore when you died. It’s the point of impact where your head hit the rock. The medical examiner who accompanied us on our pilgrimage to the site, he showed us the rock you were lying next to. He surmised that that's what created the dent based on your body position.
Do I still love Grant?
Do Still love Grant? That’s easy, no. I don’t. I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys.
Unconditional Love
This little sign, it was a Valentine gift from one of my best friends. It’s April. We have that kind of relationship. I’ll take a Valentine's gift any day of the year. I don’t expect anything on Valentines from her nor her from me, but we can give gifts any time and it’s beautiful to receive.
Marbles and Grief
I felt the grief take over me. It was the first time or it felt like it. It feels like the first time every time. Maybe because it’s new, maybe because it’s different every time. A friend shared with me a beautiful story of small objects that now have symbolic meaning to him because of certain experiences he’s had. He placed these objects together and took a picture to have it all in one place to remember.
I Didn’t Think About You Today
I just realized that I didn’t think about Grant today. At least not the way I have been. I’ve just lived my life today and it’s been an amazing day. I was reading through what I wrote about how every morning I wake up and the first thought I think is, “Grant isn’t here.” I realized for the first time in 20 months since you died Grant, that I didn’t wake up this morning thinking, another day without Grant.
Do I Really Believe What I Say? No, Not Anymore
Back to that night in the park, the one I remembered from two weeks before he died, it’s haunted me since. Why? Because there is more to that night, the story and the last thing I said. When I think back on how I used to think… wow… I can’t believe I said that 2 weeks before he died. Do I really believe what I say? No, not anymore. Not when I tell a lie I didn’t think was a lie then, but don’t realize it is until it’s too late.
Believing Lies
I watched Grant take off, off into the sky. We were at the park. It was our family routine. We’d go to the park an hour before sunset many nights of the week. Grant packed up the paramotor and I’d gather the kids. We’d head to the park where he’d unload everything. As he did, he’d draw a crowd who’d watch in awe as he set up and took off. Showing us all it’s possible for man to fly.
Angry, Tired and Happy
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is, “Grant’s not here.” I go through my day and list the things I’ll be doing without him. I list what he’ll be missing and all the extra things I have to do because he’s now dead and not here to help me do the things he used to do. He used to help me, and our family.
He Died Doing What He Loved
I remember we got so many sympathy cards the week Grant died. It’s a beautiful thing for someone to send a card, but in the wake of the death of your husband with 4 small children still around, alive and now without dad; the last thing you want is any mail to open. Every letter, every card is a reminder of what just happened.
Eyes Tell the Story of Experience
When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence. In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long.
I Finally Took Off My Wedding Ring
Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash. When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought. I’m still married. After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.
Heart Expansion
What is a Broken Heart? I remember the first time I had a broken heart. When I really felt pain inside my heart. It was mild compared to what I’ve felt since then, but I didn’t know that yet. It felt like my world had ended.
Did You Know That Picture Was For Your Funeral?
He took this picture after his last haircut. He sent it to me to show off how clean cut and handsome he thought he looked with a new haircut. He got his haircut every six weeks, on the dot. If it went past six weeks, he’d complain incessantly till he got it cut. I knew of his schedule. I was gone for this hair cut, so he sent me a photo. He was so proud to stay right on schedule.
Choice And Change
I moved again. In this last year I’ve moved my children twice. Once to get away from the place Grant died. The second time to get away from the place Grant lived. Both places are not where I can be free to move forward. So, right now as I write this, I’m sitting in the house I just bought all by myself. Alone, just me.
