Air That Kills
The wind storm in our town canceled school. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Wind? Canceling school??? Good grief! Are you serious? The kids are only in school 2 days a week anyway because of COVID and now I’m losing one of those two precious days because the air is acting up?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Too much, this is too much. My husband died, Covid has changed my entire life and now you’re telling me the wind is going to impede the little semblance of any kind of stability I’m trying to cling to???
I went outside, then I understood. The wind was incredible! I could hardly walk through it. I thought I might actually get blown down. My first thought was, ‘Well, if Grant weren’t dead already, he’d have been killed today.’ This wind was awe inspiring. I then realized that the power was out. I didn’t know when we’d have heat again. I wanted to preserve what heat we had, so I turned to run inside and close the door. As I passed through the entry and closed it securely; I realized how safe I felt in those walls and the roof we call our home. How blessed I am to have it.
From the window, I watched the trampoline blow from one end of the yard to the other, hoping it wouldn’t hit the house or someone else’s house. I realized I was not capable of counteracting the awesomeness of this storm. If I were to go out and fight this air, I’d lose. If I tried to pull that trampoline in, it could kill me. If the wind decided to lift it up as I grabbed it, then drop it down again on my head, I’d be a goner. It could be ripped out of my hands. I had no control on this situation. In my mind, I kept numbering the ways in which the air could hurt or kill me.
To stay safe, I needed to stay away from it. I thought of Grant. This moving air is a force not to be reckoned with. It’s not something you can conquer. It is far bigger than you. If only you’d have believed that. Wind killed you Grant. This was a demonstration of the power of that.
This day was a hard day to live through as I saw the power of the air. The air took up huge trees that had lived in the earth for years. It plucked them up as if they were toothpicks stuck in the grass that had no bearing or right to be there. It was as if the old trees were nothing, as we are when the elements take their course.
Grant was nothing to the wind who didn’t know him. The wind didn’t know he was my husband, the father of my children, a person who was important in the world, especially my world. The wind doesn’t make those distinctions. We’re all equalized when it comes to the elements of the earth. It doesn’t matter when or how, just know that we are not in control of that. Life takes its course. Those left behind like me, they’re the ones who try to figure out where to go next and how to do it.
This day, I saw my limits in new clarity. I didn’t test them. I had 4 babies in the house who needed me. I couldn’t do that to them. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. The whole energy of the day surrounded the theme that you can’t go out. You can’t do what you normally do. All the power is out, there is nothing you can do about any of it. Just wait. Stay safe and wait. The energy demanded that.
There was a quiet in all the house this windy day, even with 4 boys stuck inside. We could all feel it. I understood it was time to respect the elements and to reverence them. I could see this clearly. Why couldn’t you Grant? Now I’m left with all the hows and near none of the whys… The wind today reminded me of all this. You thought you were invincible Grant. I know I’m not.
