A Love Note to Whom I Love Most

Do you See Me? I see you.  I sit quietly, observing you.  You don’t notice me and that’s ok.  My life is very different from yours, so I don’t expect you to understand. I understand where you are, even though you may think I don’t, and perhaps I don’t.  

Here I see you; you laugh and talk and look so happy.  I sit here quietly watching you.  I see your laughs and smiles and the happy you show.  I also see through it.  I see the pain you are trying to laugh away by looking as if everything is happy.

I get that’s all you’re willing to show.  There are all the smiles and the hellos and the how are you’s, but you don’t really want to know the answer.  Maybe you do, I sure do. It’s just that sometimes we don’t know how to ask one another about what is real. 

I keep sitting here quietly.  I keep watching you and all the others listening and talking and laughing.  It’s not that I’m shy or don’t want to be a part of the group; we’re just not connected yet.  You just don’t see me and again, it’s ok.  I see you.  

You’re too loud to quiet your own mind and you’re too busy to stop and see me and ask me; and I’m here. You just don’t notice, and it’s ok.  I remember when I was too busy too.  I was so busy running after the things that I didn’t know didn’t matter.

I was also trying to hide from the things that did matter. Yes we say hello and how are you; but that’s not a connection. What we do is pleasantries.  Connection is in the heart.  My heart is brimming with love and sorrow and hope and pain-always.

It’s all so mixed up or interwoven really, I can’t keep them separate.  I wonder if that scares you like it did me.  What I have to say is so real. It hurts sometimes to realize the truth.  The truth is, that everything we surround ourselves with in life, may not be real.

You’ve invested so much effort into the things you can see and feel and touch, so that what’s beyond that, is understandably scary.  It doesn’t have to be.  At least when you let me see you,  you don’t have to be afraid anymore.  

When you see me, you see the pain and the beauty of reality; all that you cannot control.  What you don’t control could be more real than what you can control.  We seem to like to hold so tight to things we think we can control, so we keep holding on.  Tight.  

It’s when you let go, that you find peace and freedom in acceptance.  No longer do you need to establish your value on the things that surround you.  It’s deeper than that. You already know this, but you can’t see how to do it.  

Every once in a while there is a crack into it.  There is always a crack somewhere.  It takes courage to open the crack up wide enough to see.  To see that what you were always trying to protect, the way I did, probably still do; doesn’t protect you at all.  

It’s just a matter of time before the crack opens and shows you the truth.  But if you don’t want to see it, if you hide from it, or try to pretend it’s not there; your life becomes chaotic.  Have you ever felt sad, but you don’t know why?  

Have you been depressed when the sun is shining outside?  Unsettled and you can’t seem to figure out why?  Hopeless?  Looking for change because you feel unsatisfied?   Wanting to say something, but you’re scared, so you don’t?

Those are all little cracks asking to be opened up.  When you are free from the cracks because the shell you used to protect yourself is gone; there is nothing left to hide. Nothing is there that brings meaning anymore at least about what was on the surface.  

It takes so much courage to let the shell fall away when it cracks.  If you do let it fall away, that is when you can see you, like I see you.  I finally let all my cracks open up.  I couldn’t hold them together anymore.  It was too much work. 

It kept too much sadness in.  So I let the sadness free to open every crack in me and it opened up everything. And it stayed.  That’s what I was afraid of, that it would stay, and it happened.  But when it stayed, it didn’t become me.  It just was.

When I realized that, it became a part of how I am and who I am being.  It’s not me, it’s just a facet of my experiences. Like a diamond, the more facets you can allow to be carved, allowing the light to reflect there; the more brilliant you become. 

I want to capture the brilliance.  As I do, I begin to see every facet of myself as beautiful because no one facet defines me.  Each is a part of me, but not one itself is me.  My brilliance is in the fullness of every facet together.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.  

They all come together to create the beauty of my light.  I see it now.  Do you?  No?  Not yet.  That’s ok.  It’s here when you’re ready.  Until then, I’ll keep sitting here quietly, observing your brilliance. I’ll be waiting for you to see how bright it really is.  

That’s when we’ll connect, maybe even deeply.  You’ll finally see me too.  That is my definition of heaven.  Until then, I’ll sit here.  Until then, I still and always will love you.