Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Control in Life
I really connect deeply with living life today because that’s all there is. My lesson is that there are elements of life of which you don’t actually have any control. You can make plans. You can have goals and dreams.
Watching Dad’s Videos
It’s amazing how watching videos of our lives changes so much after loss. My children ask to watch their Dad’s videos often. How I feel watching them now is so different from when I was watching them while he was alive.
Sundays Are So Different
I found a video of me asking Grant where he was while we were at the airport. I wanted him to tell the camera audience. How could I have known the meaning of the question “Honey, where are you?” would become so vastly different.
A Sadness So Deep
How deep is sadness? So deep that is there a comparison to think of? I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sad. The other day I felt sad and I let myself feel sad. And it was a sadness so deep I didn’t know how big sadness could be.
A Love Note to Whom I Love Most
Do you See Me? I see you. I sit quietly, observing you. You don’t notice me and that’s ok. My life is very different from yours, so I don’t expect you to understand. I understand where you are, even though you may think I don’t, and perhaps I don’t.
Will It Stop Hurting
I sat in my backyard. Alone. The moon was full and radiating light that illuminated the yard in the darkness in only the way a full moon can. It felt like that moonlight pierced the darkness in a way that fought so strongly against the darkness taking over.
Eyes Tell the Story of Experience
When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence. In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long.
Choice And Change
I moved again. In this last year I’ve moved my children twice. Once to get away from the place Grant died. The second time to get away from the place Grant lived. Both places are not where I can be free to move forward. So, right now as I write this, I’m sitting in the house I just bought all by myself. Alone, just me.
