Beauty

Beauty has taken on a whole other meaning again.  I love beautiful things.  This morning as I was getting ready, I felt beautiful.  Not like I felt like I looked beautiful, but as I settled into the feeling of being in my body, walking into the bathroom, surrounded by the silence of being alone; that is also now a state of being for me.  I felt the feeling of beautiful inside me.

So, if alone is a state of being that I am, I am embracing it. I am accepting it. Don’t confuse what I am saying with loneliness and feel sorry for me.  I’m rarely lonely.  In fact, I don’t remember feeling lonely ever, though I know I have.  Accepting being alone in how you’re doing life without your person, when you thought you had a person, is another way of shifting when things around you shift. 

I’ve felt a greater sense of security in who I am and knowing myself in this shift.  I am accepting that I’m alone most of the time.  Yes, I could choose to be with someone and distract myself from being alone. But I’m in a knowing that being alone is part of my process right now, through which I know myself even more deeply.  It has created a greater degree of security I did not know when I shared that which is now MY identity.    

So when I’m at the park and see couples all around me walking together, I notice that I’m by myself and I feel ok with it, happy even.  I’m not ready to share my time or my space. I do have the opportunity to be with others. Sometimes I do share my time or space; but I don’t think I want to in that secure way I once thought was my security, not quite yet.  

I still need time with myself as part of accepting that when it’s dark and all the kids are in bed, I’m alone.  When there is a party, I go alone.  When the neighbors get together, I show up alone.  I’m not waiting for someone to just show up by my side.  I’m just fully present in being alone with others.

Being alone so much has invited a new sense of being that is a kind of beautiful. I’ve not experienced this till now. It satisfies me in a new way.  I sink into and feel all the feelings of being alone; being present, being alive and really feeling. 

Feeling the different feelings of what I used to consider “good” or “bad,” “positive or negative” and now look at them and know each feeling is an invitation.  A drawing invitation to ask me again who do I want to become, rather than running away from feelings I thought I didn’t want. 

I’m allowing it all to coexist without the conflict of opposing forces that once collided together. I stopped fighting the one or the other from trying to pretend that either exists. Therein is a magical alchemy that begins to take place. I feel it flowing through the cells of my body till it reaches my eyes and they widen. 

This chemical alchemy then reaches my brain and bonds the emotions together in a way that as they combine, like an alloy; I know they will never again be separate emotions.  I settle into this new feeling of joy that comes from my pain and then accepting it, embracing it and loving it without resistance anymore.

I’m transformed yet again into something that feels so far beyond what I’ve experienced as a mortal in this body. It touches a heavenly realm that is around me but unseen. Once again, I’m full of wonder as my body feels so alive in a different way than I’ve ever known, that’s the beautiful I’m feeling right now.  

I allow myself to be engulfed in it.  The beauty of me.  The beauty I feel as I remember that beauty is my word. That’s my thing.  Being Beautiful, surrounded with beauty, seeing beauty and feeling the beauty.  It’s a state of being and I’ve been given yet another layer of what it means to me.

I know I’m unraveling a definition that has the potential to continue indefinitely as I continue to sense and acknowledge the truth of it all around me. As I connect to what I want to see and what I want to get out of it; I feel the beauty in the depths of my being. 

So here I am reveling in the beauty of what I feel.  The beautiful feeling in my body that is present, even exists because of the chaos of my life. I embrace it and accept it as mine with a fullness of love that gives me no desire to change it any longer, nor to resist it. 

I still don’t always like it, but as I stop trying to change what is or pretend it’s something that reality tells me isn’t so; I find a deep peace that speaks to my soul.  I once again move forward.

It’s really just one more small step, feeling enlightened and grateful that there is a grace all around me that waits till the moment I’m ready to share in the embrace of  a new truth meant just for me.  Love you back!