I turned 40 this month.  It seems to be a milestone birthday.  I remember when my mother turned 40.  I thought she was old.  For her birthday, friends and family got a coffin to decorate with, and also a lot of all black.  

There were bllack balloons, black streamers and black candles, all themed around the black coffin of death. This same coffin was also used for a halloween decoration.  My mom’s birthday was only a few days from Halloween.  

She got gag gifts for old folks like adult Depends diapers, reading glasses and other things that are stereotypical for the necessities of aging.  The whole theme of it implying that she was so old, maybe that death was around the corner.  

Or maybe the idea was that life is over at 40?  Which I now know with certainty that such is not true.  Maybe it was to signify that youth is over at 40.  Anyway, it stands out in my memory as a birthday for my mother that was significant and not in any really positive way.  

As I approached 40, I remembered these rituals from my past. As I was remembering it, thinking how old I thought my mom was; I couldn’t relate. It was nothing I related to currently. Now that many of my friends are turning 40, the thing is to throw big parties. 

We remember the 80’s when all of us turning 40 were born.  It’s been a thing for our age group and I’ve really enjoyed celebrating it with fun and memories going back to what the world was like when we were born: bell Bottoms, tights, glow in the dark, bright blue eyeshadow and really red lipstick.  

I’ve loved these parties to celebrate 40.  Not once have I felt old or that my youth is over. Forty… it feels amazing.  So for my turn, turning 40, I did get one gag gift.  A pair of reading glasses.  When I put them on, everything I saw looked skewed.

I felt off balance and needed to remove them immediately.  I don’t need them, not that I imagined I did.  I’m not old, at least not yet. I don’t feel the need to be old.  I’m as young as I feel.  I feel like at least $1 million bucks.  I look as young as I feel. 

I love that I feel wonderful!  Birthdays are hard for me though.  I don’t love them because I always feel some level of expectation.  I’m always glad when the day is over because I love to have just normal days without the obligation to feel like something is special.

  I tend to run away for my birthday and be alone so that I don’t feel let down because it wasn’t special, or because it was special.  Either way… I have a hard time.  In the past, what I would usually do is take a day for myself.  

I’d feel a bit lonely, but with little kids, I treasured the alone time.  Grant would always take the boys and that gave me the peace of mind I needed to enjoy the day.  I also felt like I was never there for my boys to celebrate my birthday. 

This year, I decided to take my boys on a cruise.  It’s the first time I’ve done anything like this with them. And it's the first time doing it all on my own. Yes, it was still running away, but this time I kept the boys with me.  It was a lot of work.  

I’m grateful I could go. To be honest though, I didn’t love it.  Had I not panicked about thinking that turning 40 is a milestone birthday and been comparing my life to the parties that others were having; I would have stayed home.  

The other part of the decision was that my sweetheart  wouldn’t be there to spoil me on my birthday.   That was mostly why I wanted to leave, so I planned something extravagant for myself.  But I didn’t do it being true to myself.  That’s what I realize now.    

If I would have been honest with myself, I would have been able to really just enjoy the day, no matter what I did.  I gave into the fear that I chronically feel around birthdays. Because this was a milestone birthday, I thought I had to do something. I had to act in an appropriate way.

My friends' spouses were doing all these big and wonderful and romantic and fun things for 40.  I knew that wouldn’t happen for me, I did what I thought would make me feel special.  It’s just that with Grant gone, I didn’t have my person that would love me that day; so I ran away to feel special. 

I took my kids with me this time and it was a lot of damn work.  Now that I’m back, I need a vacation from the expectations I upheld. I put all this time and money and travel into a scarcity and fear that I had.  I regret it.  That being said, I am so glad I got to be with my boys that week.

To be close to them and to love them and to feel their love in general and specifically on my birthday. All the happy birthday wishes from them on my birthday.  Those are the memories that will be forever in my heart. 

The memories are not because I turned 40, but because I spent it with them. I did it.  I took my boys on a trip and I didn’t let being alone stop me.  I learned that my birthday doesn’t have to be something I run away from.   After this, I don’t feel afraid anymore. 

I faced that fear and went to great lengths to run away, not from my birthday but from the fear.  Now I know that I don’t need to do that anymore.  I can just be at home and love myself any day I want. This is what is special on my birthday and everyday.  

What I really want is to feel loved and secure.  I can give myself that.  Inside, I can ground myself in who I am, not compare myself to others. I can just love them and me too, instead. The last thing I realize is that I don’t need my person to be there to have a good birthday. 

I am ok just as I am, even on my birthday, even on a defining birthday.  In this, I am learning and growing each day.  A birthday is just one of those days that signifies how strong I am and that’s what I’m really celebrating this year.  So happy birthday to me.

The next time I plan a trip, it will be because it’s the right time, the right place, or something else that is going to add to my life.  It's not going to be a ploy to try not to face what will be right there in my face. No matter how hard I try to run away from something I think I can’t face,  I can.