Disneyland Again

Disneyland - The saddest place on Earth… Grant promised us we would go to Disneyland as a family. He died before we could ever make that happen. Because we promised the kids, I felt like I needed to keep that promise to them.  

I took them all by myself and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Nothing about it was joyful for me. I was also in a space of shock, and overwhelm when I took them. I did not stop to enjoy the moments. I did not see the happiness on their faces because of the pain in mine.

It was quite torturous to be among crowds and trying to manage all of my children at different ages, all wanting to do different things. Reilly wanted to ride the swings over and over and after he would get off he would run right back in line.  The first time I didn’t know where he had gone.

I panicked about losing my kid at the beginning at Disneyland.  When I found him I lost it.  I yelled at him. I grabbed him by the arm. I took him out of the line. I was so upset.  Now I look back and I have so many regrets. He was only eight years old. A little boy who just wanted to keep riding the swings.

And me, his stressed out mother, couldn't handle being there with 4 kids. Trying to make up a life to them and myself that could never be… but I couldn’t accept that just yet.  Then, on one of the days we were there, one of the kids forgot to bring their shoes. Another moment I lost it I yelled I grabbed their arm.

I took them around to all the people at Disneyland, pointed at their feet and yelled the question,  ‘what are they wearing on their feet?  shoes I would answer.’ Every time. I didn’t even give him a moment to answer for himself. I was so angry. 

When we got into the park, I had to pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of shoes for him to wear that day, which also hurt his feet and he would never wear them again.  My oldest kept asking to go on all of the big rides, but the little kids could not go on them.

I kept telling him no.  Yelling at him to just be happy with the rides that we could go on.  It was one of the most difficult things I have done yet as a single mother. And it felt like torture the whole time.  

So when my oldest asked me this year, if we could go to Disneyland just him and I for his 14th birthday, and 4th birthday without dad.  I said yes. He brightened up and said real?!?!?! I thought you’d say no. But for me, this would be a redo. 

One kid, being present with him and his birthday.  It was how we could go on all the rides he wanted to go on. Just me and him. That sounded like heaven. I now realize I’m only one person.  And I'm more healed.  I understand now more what I’m capable of. 

I allow my limitations to be what they are and my strengths to be what they are.  And the chance to go again with the little boy who didn’t get to go on many of the rides he wanted to.  In the previous five days we were at Disneyland he only got his mom for about two hours to himself.

Even then I was not present with him… but frustrated trying to get him from ride to ride as fast as I could. In the short time we had while the other kids were being taken care of we didn’t get much quality time.  It was fleeting and I kept worrying about the other kids.

I now realize that I could have done it all much better, but I only knew what I knew and did what I could. Now I know better and do better.  And I did. We did. I got to be with my son, just him and I for four days. We had never done this before, and it was like a healing bomb to our relationship.

I was present with him and we went on all his favorite rides. I only got frustrated once in the three days when I went to the wrong ride clear across the park LOL.  And, I was able to let go of the mistake and get back to being happy with my boy pretty quick. 

I got a second chance at making a day happy for him, and for me too.  I’m starting to realize that the moments we create together are the most important ways we can give our time and attention to those we love. 

I’m seeing now how beautiful it is to see the children in front of me and what their needs and wants are and meet them as best I can. One of the biggest regrets I have is that when GRANT was alive I rarely really saw what was in front of me and appreciated it. 

When it was gone, I realized it and then fell right back into the pattern of not seeing it because of what I had lost.  Now when they ask can we do this mom? I say yes as often as I can to create that yes over and over.  And when my little boy wants to go on the swings over and over it’s OK.  And I’m at peace in the present.