He Was Riding With Us

We promised them we’d take them to Disneyland.  Grant, you’d never been so I wanted to take you too.  We could go to Disneyland as a family we schemed, if we could read the scriptures together as a family and finish the whole book of Mormon. At our pace it’d take us about a year.  We were close in February last year when my parents went.  I wanted to go then.  You said, “We haven’t finished yet.” 

We’re so close I argued. February is a good time of year to go with lower crowds, plus we’ll have my parents, extra helpers with the kids!  And… at this rate, we’ll finish in May and then it’ll be summer. We’ll hit the hot summer and the big crowds, so we’ll have to wait till school starts.  It’s the perfect opportunity to go, and we’ll still finish, I pleaded. 

“You can take the kids by yourself then if you want to go with your parents, I’m not going.” “I do not want to take the kids all by myself to Disneyland!”  I retorted with some big sass.  Seriously, why would I EVER take the kids to Disneyland without you. I NEED YOUR HELP!  How ridiculous I thought, to even suggest the idea of me taking them ALONE.  What an ass. 

When we did finish the Book of Mormon, a little early, at the end of April, we had some trips planned and didn’t make it then, so we planned to go in September or January the following year. Then you died.  Ass. The kids kept asking, when are we going to Disneyland?  We finished the scriptures and you promised.

Yeah, I replied.  We sure did, and yes, I did promise, and we will go to Disneyland.  And now… I will be taking the kids by myself.  What I told you I didn’t EVER want to do.  Now I didn’t have a choice. ASS

You missed out on an opportunity to go with us and the Grandparents because you wanted to be a stickler for following through with exactness on the guidelines we’d set.  I can understand that of course.  It’s usually wise to stick to your boundaries.  But then, there’s situational flexibility that can make everything a little better or easier when it all comes together.  Going to Disneyland with family, in the cooler months in the off season just a couple months before we finish our goal.  Hum, well I guess all those benefits don’t outweigh following the rules… Hum… 

Too bad you didn’t think that following the rules, the LAW, was a good idea when you went flying that one night you got yourself killed.  Yeah, that night that the winds were generally too high for flying, but you thought, hey, I’d really like to go anyway. I can do what I want and push the boundaries cause I’m capable.  I can handle the extra risk.  Oh and that rule that paragliders need to be in at sunset or just after, that’s a law set by the aviation guidelines. 

 You were still over 40 minutes away from home after sunset, you would have gotten home after dark,  which is illegal. You decided not to come home when the boundaries said to and died instead.  So if you'd headed home when you were supposed to, you wouldn't have been dead on the ground at sunset. You’d have been landing back at home.  Hum, I guess you get to decide which rules you want to stick to and which you don’t.  Too bad there’s no changing the consequences of death on that last one.  

Here I am following through on our promise because you broke yours.  Damn you.  Guess all that scripture reading will have to be applied with forgiveness, grace, and love a little later, when I’m feeling a little more compassionate. I’m going to be busy taking 4 boys to Disneyland. That’s going to be a monumental feat, again, one I would never have even tried to do on my own, not when you were here. Now it’s my only option to keep the promise I made because you broke your end of that one.  I’m the only one now that can keep that promise for the both of us. 

So we went. 

The first day we were there, I could feel the energy of ‘the happiest place on earth.’ As I watched my boys, the smiles and the excitement; most of what I felt was a deep longing for it not to feel like this. I felt the separation of myself from the beauty in the energy of the happiness this place represents.  I couldn’t be that, but I was there in it, and my kids could feel it.

The Incredacoaster was my oldest’s favorite ride.  We got fast passes, waited in line and got more fast passes. We rode it over and over.  When we stepped into that car for the first time, the anticipation of the day of rides, as well as watching my boy with his eyes filled with excitement. I was filled with the joy I saw on his face and with the big dark hole of the absence you’d created in our family.  I wanted you to ride this with us.  The roller coaster began to move and then it was as if you were right there with us. 

The coaster flew across the tracks at high speed and not once did you get left behind.  I could feel you right there with us.  Spinning, and spiraling, going up and down only you weren’t in a seat.  It felt as if you were gliding next to us, limitless ability to travel in another realm, right here next to us. You had no seat nor seatbelt and kept up with us with ease.  

I even felt the smile on your face as you flew, expanding on your new abilities.  “Show-off” I thought.   I had tears streaming down my face as I cried at Disneyland, the happiest place on earth riding on a rollercoaster I loved.  It was so fun.  You were there with us. I had been contemplating all it meant for me to be there doing what we’d promised and you not there. 

Have you ever seen a mom crying at Disneyland?  Well if it’s a mom on her own with 4 kids, maybe.  There I was crying unabashedly on a rollercoaster at Disneyland. It wasn’t because I was scared.  I was mad. I was sad. I was happy to feel you there with us, smiling and enjoying the ride.  The mixture of emotions was too much to leave inside my body. 

I knew then, it was time to forget it and have fun.  It was time to be present and be with my boys.  I said hello. Thanks for coming. I wish you were here with us in the flesh. Damn you for not being here in the flesh. Damn you again for being such a stubborn ass in February and depriving our family of this memory with you.  I hate you for that right now.

We had a great time! It was amazing. It was hard. I had help. We did so many activities. I took so many happy little faces pictures that you missed. I enjoyed this memory with the kids and you in a different way. We finally took the kids to Disneyland, whew, that’s over.