I See Your Beauty

I don’t know why but for some reason I have a constant desire to love.  The kind of love that is unconditional.   And I do.   A lot of the time anyway.  When I see you, I see what you’re becoming.  I didn’t realize this until today.  I was given such a beautiful day, and at the end of the day, I realized why this ordinary day was so beautiful.  It’s because I don’t see people as they are right now. 

Today I shared lunch with a woman who is beautiful beyond measure.  She taught me this today.  I saw all her beauty and it was overwhelming.  I saw it all while she was sharing with me the pain of losing her family.  They didn’t die. They said, we don’t want you, to her.  They didn’t see her beauty.  They couldn’t, because the seeing part in them was dead, is dead.  Their bodies are yet alive; yet how they showed up for her, their daughter and sister, is evidence that what they see is not the truth of who she is.  

What I saw was a little girl who wanted love and was denied that.  That’s a painful thing to see.  It’s even more painful when the love inside of you isn’t fully realized because you can’t see who you really are either. This life, who you are now, what you’re doing and all that’s going on today, it’s just for right now.  It’s temporary.  It won’t exist in the future. When you don’t see who I really am nor who you are, we both miss out on a beautiful connection. This realization is painful.  It hurts. 

I see you as you really are.  The divine being you are here to become.  Not the mistakes you’re making in the process of becoming the person you’re meant to be.  I see the eternity in you.  This is why I think it’s easy for me to love unconditionally.  I want love, not pain.  So if you live and judge what is right now, it means you miss out on the bigger greater truth of who you are and who others are.   

I know who I am now is not who I was last week, last year, or in the last decade.  That’s how you know that you are growing, and who you are today is not who you are forever.  You’re a cultivation of your past, present and future.  To see all of that, it is a gift.  I’m drawn to see who you are from where you’ve come. It’s amazing to see where it will take you.  

It feels so natural to me to love unconditionally, because I don’t see only the now.  I feel the bigger truth of who we all are. It shows up here and in the next life.   My relationships reflect this, all of you, not the now of you.  I feel such an abundance of love for who you are, really. This isn’t to make myself sound like I’m an amazing lover, (in life that is).  When you feel the love when we’re together, I get so much love too because it’s surrounding both of us.  It’s not because I need the love, it’s because I am the love. Any of us can be. 

I’m not perfect, nor even close.  However, looking at life in such a great pain of loss, I now see the value in looking at the world beyond what it is.  What is right now, is not all that is.  It can’t be.  I shared my life with a man who’s no longer here physically, but he’s not gone.  This too is real.  His life has become so much bigger now that he’s become more of who he is in totality.  

Maybe it seems like a “rose colored glasses” approach, but I now know of a surety, it’s not. I see what’s real, here and now too. I see the mistakes too, and the behavior you’ll regret, and that I regret.  The yelling, the stupid things, the rudeness, the words that hurt, the betrayal and lies; it all creates hurting.

 It’s all part of you showing your own hurt as you process it.  I see how you’re hurting, because I’ve also felt intense hurt. I see what it is.  Seeing in truth, it’s seeing more than what is present or what’s in our current experience.  It’s knowing that what is now is only temporary.  Real truth is deeper than what you can see, touch, taste, feel, and smell.  

I know my value in your hurt. I know my value because I can see your value. Know that I still understand that it’s not ok to treat me or others unkindly, but I respect your process and where you are. Hurting hurts, but that doesn’t mean it has to hurt me. So instead of letting the hurt define me, I use it to become me. I can now see how it creates the best me possible. I see you doing the same thing, even if you don’t know it yet.  I see your beauty.  

As I see you and the way you are becoming, it gives me the courage to grow into the me I’m meant to be.  The one that can see your beauty despite the ugly realities that befall the now.  These are not one and the same person, they are each there to create the other.  The ugly can be the most powerful catalyst with the most potential to create beauty.  And the beauty used in reverse, in the ego, will create something ugly.  In this life, that’s where you get to choose.  

Both the ugly and the beauty are here to show you what they can each teach. The ugly is what can create beauty.   This is how I’ve learned to feel at ease in loving unconditionally.  It creates a life for me that is happy every day.  Amid so much that could be construed as ugly, I really see the beauty in all of it.  In myself, the most beauty has come in the most hurt and the ugliest times.

I get through those times. They are just moments that are transformed into beautiful. It’s either this or getting stuck in the ugly that suppresses who I can be.  That’s damnation. Stopped-ness. Right now I can only say I’m so grateful for all that’s happened to me.  Everything in my life.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  

It’s because of the pain, the pain that never stops arriving that I’ve trained myself to see everything as beautiful.  Beauty is the balm to pain.  It’s not avoiding it. I’m just not afraid of pain anymore. It’s nothing to be afraid of when you know how to transform it.  Emotional alchemy.  It brings the most unspeakable joy, a joy that resides in the heart center of my body. 

I’ve never been happier because I’ve never lost so much and hurt so deeply.  So, thank you for showing me your beauty by being you. All the hurt and pain it’s brought me also and all the beauty, I’ve seen in it too.  It’s all brought me the most incredible love of my life. Now I know how to really love at a whole new level and it feels so good.  I just wish I could have learned it before you died Grant.  

I wish I could have seen your perfect beauty when you were alive Grant.  Now I see what you’ve expanded into because you’re living in the future greatness of who you are.  I want to create that for myself truly before I die, not after.  Thank you for showing me what’s possible in myself and how I can see it now in others.  I see it in you, and you are beautiful.