How I Do It

I dunno how you do it.  I get that all the time.  When someone finds out my husband died; I’m raising 4 boys, I’m keeping up with a business, a household and about a million other little things that go along with it. That's what I hear a lot.

Those of you who have a bunch of little kids… you know what I’m talking about.  You say… with two of us it’s such a struggle… I don’t know how you do it.  Well…. the truth is, I don’t.  If you were put in this position, you’d figure out a way to do it too.  

The bigger truth is that I’m struggling.  I don’t want to be.  I want to feel like I can do it all. I want to be positive all the time and make the best of life.  I want to give my kids everything I can.  I want to feel like I’ve got it all together, but I rarely do.

I want to go out on the weekends and take my kids to fun places. I want to explore and experience the world for myself, and with them.  When we get to the weekend, I think, what could we do?  All I usually want to do is collapse. 

I see people around me on their family adventures, I wish I could do that too.  The truth is, just the thought of trying… is usually too much.  I think… I’m just letting life pass by without really living.   Are we all missing out on the best life we could live?  

I see the moms and dads together in the car, off on their adventures. and me?  I’m at home, cause I know if I try to get into the car, someone doesn’t want to go. Someone else is being obnoxious to his brother.  

One of them was crying when he got hit in the head while someone else was trying to climb in the back.  I realize a kid is missing so I go to find them and by the time I get back… the other 3 are no longer in the car.  So to try and get out of the house… well…  

I want to, but I can’t.  I do sometimes, and when it’s something I really want or have the energy to do, I go.  I prepare for what it will take and I do it.  Then I need a lot of time to recover and I swear I won’t do it again.  

I don’t until I have just enough energy to find a desire and then work up to doing it.  Because of this cycle, I think…  Are my kids missing out?  I ask myself, is their childhood being ruined?  The next thought is, ahhh… well it was already ruined.  

I move to the next thought, that’s not true, it’s not ruined.  I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do.  Another truth is, that if Grant were here, we’d be doing more of those fun things and vacations and family activities.  

The boys would go out with dad and I’d feel happy that they are being taken care of while I can do the other things or be with other kids or even the idea of doing something for myself without feeling guilty for leaving.  I dream of that lost past and it’s sad.  

He’s not here.  If I take them out, it’s not only a huge mental effort, I have to take them all or they get left alone.  I don’t want to leave them alone. But all together, it’s more like chaos management.  I come back feeling more exhausted than refreshed after anything “fun” 

I usually just opt out and opting out feels more like the norm than saying yes.  Yes is all I really want to do. I want to say yes to life, but I’m learning to say no and accept that it’s not right for whatever reason.  

I say yes every chance I get and it all comes at a tremendous cost when I say yes.  So I have to be so careful what I say yes to.  That feeling, well it comes with a huge sadness that reminds me that life is so different than it used to be and it’s not easier.  

It’s harder.  And that harder, hasn’t gotten easier at all. In fact, it’s just gotten harder over the years. And as much as I’ve grown and become more capable and more used to the facts of my life, it’s still harder.  

After all the time that’s passed and all that I’ve carried all these years, I’m worn down. I’m tired.  I don’t know how I can even keep doing it.  Of course I will, because that’s the only option.  I’ll figure it out like I always do, but the truth is, I don’t know how to do it.  

I’m just figuring it out all along the way and failing a lot.  It is all ok because one of the things I’m giving myself in the face of all this that I don’t feel like I can do anymore is that I can except when I can’t do it.