The B.S. of Surrender-Grieving Part V

Surrender?  Oh what bullshit!  A lovely idea, surrender and things just seem to magically fall into peace, and you’ll feel better. It’s not that simple.  There are so many books, ideas and philosophy about surrendering, but they don’t really give us the whole formula.

We are human… It’s against our inner drive.  Being human, I experience in myself and in many around me, that we want nothing more than to make things just the way we want.  That is the opposite of surrender.  When you surrender, you say, it’s ok.  That also means that you control nothing.

That feeling of powerlessness, it is scary.  It hurts and what can you do if you let go?  So, to help a person in grief, is not to surrender; but instead it is to face the reality.  Embrace the reality.  Don’t soften it.

Don’t try to make it feel better with cliche phrases that seem so wise and in reality are completely unattainable.  Not just because they are unattainable, but because they are contrary to human nature.  Hear me out.

Facing the reality of pain, of loss and of grief; that’s not surrender, that is facing the truth and taking it in.  When you take it in, you can respond to it.  When you “surrender” you can push it away.

When you push it away and not deal with the reality, you cannot face it or grow.  That means you can never come to the peace that comes with embracing, not surrendering to reality.  When you embrace reality, is it surrender?  Or is it empowering yourself to be able to act?  

It is both.  You must have both.  One cannot exist without the other.  The understanding that comes from perspective and the intention that comes behind surrender; allows you to show up in a way that supports reality instead of some fantasy.  

A fantasy only shifts all the focus away from pain but it goes into suffering so isn’t transformed.  Surrendering to truth, to reality is to embrace reality and is truly what is beautiful and messy and painful and true.  

For someone in grief; don’t say things like, "it was god's will” or “it’ll all work out” or "you'll get through this” or “everything happens for a reason.” Yeah it does dumbass, it happened for the reason it happened. 

My husband died because he crashed his paraglider.  That was the reason.  Reasons beyond that are outside of that and not part of the reason the accident happened.  Things like “everything happens for a reason” gloss over the pain of reality.  

They don’t help someone feel better, they feel more like bitterness.  If you want to help, feel their pain with them for just a moment.; your pain FOR them.  Don’t try to hide it from yourself or them.  Sit in it with them.  It’s never going to be ok.

It can’t go back to what it was, and that’s not ok. It's something new that we all have to learn to live with or die because of.  And that’s where ok can begin to grow.  Feel the deep sorrow and pain and love through it.  Help them to be IN it, not get OVER it.  

Death and grief and all the heartbreak that comes with loss, you don’t get over it.  It becomes part of who you are.  Someone in grief needs to know that, support them in that truth.  Not thinking that one day they’ll just be ok.  

A person in grief must learn the truth that grief is something that transforms and transforms you but never leaves you.  You will never “get over” the loss, but you will learn to become a new person with it.  

That’s the powerful way to use it. If you don’t use it, you get lost in it. It’s rather encompassing.  You must direct it, or it will dictate the rest of your life.  The most compassionate thing you can do for a person in grief is to lovingly help them confront the reality that things will never be the same again. 

Help them gradually accept that life will go on whether they like it or not.   The choice to help them see is to see how not why.  The why can never be answered, so it is the how that you can help them with.  That’s the kind of love a person in grief needs from those who support them. 

Thank you for being a person who can support someone grieving.  Loving someone is difficult especially when you lose them; loving someone grieving is important and not casual.  It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost or loved.  

With all my love to you who read this.