Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
How I Met My Husband
Grant and I met at church. I had just moved to the area at 23. He was the self-appointed greeter. He stood at the entrance doors to the chapel.
I Had a Dream
I had a dream that Grant came back, like came back right now. I dreamed that he came back to the life I have now. In the dream he hadn’t been dead but it was more like a pause for him.
The King of Random
That name… The King Of Random… where did it come from?! Some say it’s a little self-aggrandizing. Grant worried about that but; after all the other options and most of the ones he really liked being already taken, he decided on that one.
Three Years Happened
Tonight I realized something. As I write, it’s the day that marks 3 years since Grant died, July 2019. On this day, I have just come back from my daily walk in a neighborhood that still feels foreign to me, even though I’ve lived here 2 years . It was the first thing I did, find a walking path that I could make mine.
I Remember When It Was Just Us
I remember when it was just us. It was you and I. There was nothing that didn’t work for us. You and me, me and you and we smiled. Flower leis, travel and so many things for us to discover together. This was one of your favorite places, Hawaii.
I Finally Took Off My Wedding Ring
Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash. When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought. I’m still married. After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.
The Blind Fight
My new bedroom in my new house in my new life is finished. Finished enough for me to sleep there. I moved my bed from the make-shift bedroom I was using that’s really my small office. I’ve been sleeping in my small office for 3 months. We finally got the new carpet for the new house I just bought. This house that I live in now because I couldn’t live in Grant’s house anymore.
Back To A Place We’d Been Before
I had an oddly familiar feeling as I walked the grounds of this hotel. Why did I feel as if I’d been there? We had just made a pit stop on our 10 hour drive to visit Grant’s brother and his family. A potty break for little boys and stretching for mom. Now that I road trip as a lone parent and the only driver with 4 little boys, I like to take my time. I make lots of stops to enjoy the journey with boys, kind of like what I’m trying to do in life now anyway.
Grant Lived for Tomorrow
Grant grew up really poor. His clothes all came from a second hand store. For breakfast when he was young, his family had oatmeal with powdered milk diluted by half to stretch it to last longer.
I Got a Cat
I got a cat, it’s our first one. Seems innocuous enough on the surface. The thing is, Grant hated animals. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word hate. I don’t want to misrepresent. It felt extreme like that with him though.
One Dirty Shirt Left
Right after Grant died, I realized he, as in his body, would not be around to smell wonderful or terrible anymore. I found myself frantically going through the laundry to see if I could find any clothes that still smelled like him. I needed a shirt or something that still smelled like him. Damn! I was too efficient with the laundry.
Grant’s Grapefruit
Two full months after Grant died, I finally threw away his grapefruit. I knew myself better than to throw it away in the kitchen. I tossed it in the big trash can outside, the one that goes out on the street tonight… I’d already been holding onto it for 2 months. A grapefruit!
Just After Dead
Within 4 hours of finding out Grant was dead, I sat down to write. I had lost my bearings. The kids were asleep, the unaware sleep of ignorance to our new reality. I was alone and I had no idea how I was going to do this upcoming day.
