The Blind Fight

My new bedroom in my new house in my new life is finished.  Finished enough for me to sleep there.  I moved my bed from the make-shift bedroom I was using that’s really my small office. I’ve been sleeping in my small office for 3 months.  We finally got the new carpet for the new house I just bought.  This house that I live in now because I couldn’t live in Grant’s house anymore.

 I bought a fixer upper.  It’s nice, but it needs a lot of work.  I wanted to do it. It would give me a project, a distraction, a way to continue to cope. It also helps keep up my pretense of being so busy, so I don’t focus on grieving my husband’s death.  I’ve spent too much time being in the pain of that place.  My room is done, the master bedroom in the house. I chose the bed, the blankets, the color of paint on the walls and the carpet.  I got to make it into precisely what I wanted it to be.  

The windows face east in my bedroom. As the sun rises in the morning, the light flows in to welcome a new day and gently invite me into a new day.  I love that light.  I won’t put window covers on these windows because I want all the light to always shine in, the second the sun starts to rise.  I don’t want to have blinds that keep it dark when the sun is coming up.  I want to wake with the light of the sun every morning. 

I won’t shut it out like Grant did.  No, I’ll never put blinds on here.  I remember that was one of the only two real big fights we got in during the first decade of our marriage.  Yes, it was only two fights that were memorable.  Keeping the blinds open vs. closed, that was the issue!   It came about because you wanted them closed and you were tired of having to close them every night.  I wanted them open, because I love the light of the windows, so every morning I would open them. 

You shut them all by slamming the blinds down. You said if I opened them, I should close them.  You said I should put them back to how I found them.  I calmly picked up the strings and opened them back up.  I said, if you want them closed then you can close them and then you should put them back to how you found them… open! We stared at each other.  Neither of us budging and eyes ablaze from both.  What were we going to do? 

We laughed after. Grant said, “Was that a real fight?”  I responded, “Yeah, I think it was.”  We laughed some more.  In the end, we went back to what we’d been doing for years.  He shut them at night, I opened them in the morning.  It wasn't an issue anymore.  We just both accepted it.  He could close them, I could open them.  And so it went.

Today, I look at this master bedroom.  A creation of just me.  I look at the bed, the windows, and I love it.  It also overwhelms me with sadness, because the progress of the house means we’re getting closer to this all being done. Yes, that’s a mixture of accomplishment and a smack of reality.  The reality of my room being done, is the reality of moving into the master bedroom by myself.  It’s another first, even though I’m done with my first year of firsts.

Yeah, it’s been fun to create just exactly what I want.  I love those windows, the ones that will not be the site of a fight in front of them because of open or closed blinds.  They just stay as they are.  Just what I want.  I’m sure that might sound like a dream in a relationship, to have just what you want and no argument back. 

Well, I miss the talking back.  Compared to the silence, I’d take the differing opinions and fight about blinds being open or closed.  Now, I just fight myself, a fight for knowing what I want now and going after it, without anyone there to support me, cheer me on, or piss me off. 

I won’t put blinds on them.  It means that this first night in my new room, is the first night it feels like I’m really sleeping alone.  Before, when I slept alone, wherever it was, was temporary still.  Sleeping alone felt temporary, like it always did when Grant or when I was away. 

 Well, now that I’ve found where I’ll make home without Grant, I felt sad that this will be done alone.  Here I am in my bed, finally where it goes.  Where I’ll have my permanent place to be and sleep and live. Grant will never sleep in this room with me, which is permanent. He will never have his clothes in this closet, which is permanent.   He will never close the blinds in the morning to keep sleeping in the dark. His sleep is now permanent in a darkness I can’t see.  Which is why I cling to the light that I trust will come in each morning, that’s what now keeps the darkness out for me. This room tells me what is, is permanent.