What If

I keep thinking what if? What if Grant were suddenly given a second chance and came back to life today? He’d be dazed and confused like he was in the twilight zone. But if he was to come back, I’d feel like I was in the twilight zone too.

He’d walk into his favorite store and notice all the people wearing masks. He’d be so confused. He’d ask, “What is going on? Why is everybody wearing face masks? This is so bizarre.” Yet I can’t help but think what it would be like for him because more has changed in this last year than it ever has in any of the 12 years we were together.

For me, this year has changed more of my life than any other year has. Ever. Life is completely different because my husband is dead. And because the world has changed totally, we are now living through the most modern, and technologically advanced pandemic. It’s a year that will never be forgotten. And I’ll probably try not to remember too often.

Then, I think what if he did come back? What about me? How would I feel? Just the thought fills my body with electricity. Wouldn’t it be amazing? We could pick up right where we left off. I imagine we’d get right back to parenting. I’d catch him up on all the changes in the house, the business, the kids, the world and my friends.

We’d settle right back into that quiet comfort in our relationship that was my foundation in life. It would be back. It would be settled. I would be whole again. It would all go back to the way it was before. Except I can’t. I’m not the same person.

I’ve done so much without him now. I wonder if I’d need him the same or at all. I don’t think he could possibly understand the hurt I’ve felt. Or if it would even be possible to undo all that hurt. Of course it’s not possible. It’s too deep. The loss is too real. The hurt has changed my being, my heart, my spirit, even my body. Even if he came back. What would I do?

I would love it, and I would hate it, but love it more. Why do I even think of this? Because I just keep thinking of him and if he were dropped back into this world after this year. As if he were on break and then reappeared. He wouldn’t recognize the world as he once knew it, just like I don’t recognize myself as I once knew me.
My heart tells me, who I am right now is closer than I’ve ever been to who I’m meant to be. I’m not defined by his death, but it’s certainly defined how and what part of me I now am. It’s a powerful thought to think of the ‘what ifs’. It’s even more powerful to think of the ‘what now’s. And to move from there.

I wouldn’t go back to who I was before. That girl couldn’t feel as much as this girl can. And though I have yet to feel the depths of joy as great as has been my depth of pain; I know it is coming. The expansion created in the hole left by the pain and loss is giving room for the expansion. I have yet to know it, but feel it’s a part of all this. I know it.

The world I choose to see isn’t just in a pandemic or in riots, it’s making space for phenomenal growth that is propelling us all to be more and better. It’s time. For you, for me and for this world.