Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Watching Dad’s Videos
It’s amazing how watching videos of our lives changes so much after loss. My children ask to watch their Dad’s videos often. How I feel watching them now is so different from when I was watching them while he was alive.
How I Met My Husband
Grant and I met at church. I had just moved to the area at 23. He was the self-appointed greeter. He stood at the entrance doors to the chapel.
Celebrate
Are you feeling the excitement that is building with the spring? I love the energy that comes with spring, it’s all new again like the New Year. Wanting to set new goals and become a new person and change your life in the New Year is repeated with warmth, mud and flowers in the spring.
Grant Was My Safe Place
He was my safe place. Our world lived and grew within itself. It created a story that was never going to end, until it did. My rock, my safety left the earth world, our family world and our TKOR world all in one instance.
Our Weekly Date Night
These last 4 years since you died, have been really tough on me. Because of that, I’ve been really angry at you, mostly for leaving me here, alone and to take care of things. It’s left me feeling betrayed and abandoned by you. So I’ve pushed you away. Please forgive me.
I Can Take Myself Dancing
I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand… I can take myself dancing. I can hold my own hand.
How to Get a Natural Tan in the Winter
This last week has been tough for me. I took my kids on a cruise and haven’t posted any pictures because it was all so hard for me. I”m back now and I’ll recoup and return to my life; my wild crazy, filled with little balls of energy and curiosity life with my boys. For this moment:
A Lovely Valentines
This morning I woke up to flower petals strewn all over outside my bedroom and down my stairs to the kitchen.
I’m so grateful for the many people who cared about me today. Thank you.
I Just Had To…
Look at this! It’s so beautiful here where I live. I’m out here right now in the mountains near where I live. I just had to come out here into nature. With the snow falling, the ground and the rest of everything covered in fluffy frozen water; I just had to come out here and be in it.
Isn’t It Beautiful?!
Isn’t it beautiful?! The Christmas tree and presents waiting for the kids in the morning. It’s the whole Christmas vibe. I love it. I feel it this year. This is the first year since my husband died 4 years ago that I have wrapped presents and felt a little bit of excitement about the holiday. It feels good.
Good Beautiful Morning
It’s a gloomy rainy cloudy day today. And it is absolutely beautiful. I love being out here on my new porch on this beautiful morning, cloudy or rainy or not. As I am sitting here, I am contemplating my life, as I do when I have the chance to sit for a moment.
A Beautiful Morning
Today, this morning out on my new porch it is just breathtakingly beautiful, not because of the leaves and flowers, but because of the amazing sun coming up and dropping its light into my backyard, onto my face and hands. It feels so good, so refreshing, and so peaceful.
Heavy Bag Love Letter
I remember a time when making videos was your uber focus. I remember how you wanted to make as many videos as you could. Your audience was all you could think about.
I Really Loved You
I really loved you Grant. I did. It’s not that I don’t have love for you. I do. I just realized that the love I once had for you is changed, but it was real when it was what it once was. It was deep, as deep as one can love another.
Grief Room
I found it, the room that is filled with all the grief I’ve ever known. I didn’t know that I was pushing it away so much until I found the place buried inside of me. I sat breathing slowly, deeply on the floor of my room with my eyes closed with my mind open and my heart reaching.
Finding My Way
“Hey kids, you wanna go to the park where Dad used to go to fly?” A resounding yes boomed back at me. We were spending a few days in the warmth and sunshine of Southern Utah near where we used to live, once the colder weather started where we live up North.
A Sadness So Deep
How deep is sadness? So deep that is there a comparison to think of? I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sad. The other day I felt sad and I let myself feel sad. And it was a sadness so deep I didn’t know how big sadness could be.
It’s Always the Man
It's always the men who call. When there’s a problem with any of the boys in the neighborhood, it’s the dad who calls me. When there is a business, transaction or interest its always the husband who calls me. What they don’t know but I noticed is that it’s always the man.
When Your Life Feels Stable
My home is my beautiful and safe space where my heart is. The stairs of my home are like the portal to the different parts of my home with different meanings for life. Every step down, one after the other, my feet are met with stair after stair until I reach the bottom.
