Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary without Grant. What does that make tomorrow for me? The 2nd dead Anniversary? The first one was too soon, only 2 months after he died. I was in a complete haze of life still. We had planned to go to Hawaii that year during our anniversary. Hawaii is where we got married. We’d already paid for our rental house, so I went anyway with my boys.

I went to where we got married on the day of our anniversary. I left some of Grant’s ashes there. Inside that little black box was all that we had left of what once was his physical body. I let the kids sprinkle some too under the very tree where we took our wedding photos. I hadn’t planned on any of that.

While I was there, I noticed a couple sitting together. I saw her dress, then I knew they were getting married that day. In the exact place on our exact day. These strangers and I would share an anniversary date. Their marriage was just beginning, mine had just ended. I looked at them and thought, ‘you two have no idea what’s in store for you.’ I hadn’t known either.

I can’t believe it’s already the second anniversary I’m having without Grant. Many of the firsts are over, a whole years’ worth. What a relief to have made it through all of that. It actually has almost a solidifying result that this is what is. This is reality.

Do I want to celebrate it? No. I don’t want to celebrate my wedding anniversary, because I’m alone. I’m not with Grant. Do I want something special? Yes. Why? This is supposed to be a day of celebration forever more. So I decided I want to do something for myself. I’m here at a quaint little Bed and Breakfast, next to a river because I love the sound of water.

I remember just after Grant and I had gotten married, my boss at work and his wife were about to celebrate their 10 anniversary. Ten years I thought. Wow! That’s a long time. They’re old!
For our 10 year anniversary, we went back to Hawaii. I never would have guessed it would be the second to last anniversary we’d ever spend together. Never.

For our 11th year, our last anniversary together, I realized what day it was at the end of the day. I remember it was a busy day too. When I became aware of what day it was, I dropped what I was doing and ran to find Grant. I exclaimed, “Grant! It’s our anniversary! I’m so sorry I forgot today was our anniversary! But I love you so much and just because I forgot, doesn’t mean it’s not important to me.”

He looked up with eyes wide and reacted with, “It’s ok, I forgot too!” We laughed together. We promised each other we’d do something later. Had I only known it would be our last. What would I have done if I had known? What does one do when later never comes. What about when later is after the end?

Now I remember that couple I thought was so old, married for so long, for 10 years! Now on the other side of it, I feel how short those almost 12 years were. What I got went too fast and was too short. It wasn’t even close to being long.

Today on my 13th wedding anniversary, 13, what a number! I sit by the river with my glass of sparkling cider, thinking to myself. I wish I could go back. I wish I could have known. I wish I could celebrate one more time. Two anniversaries now without you Grant. I know all the rest of our anniversaries for the rest of my life will be like these last two, without you here. I’ll have more anniversaries without you than I ever did with you, God willing. For me, that’s my future, that part is certain.

I’ll go get a massage tonight. Sleep soundly with the sound of the river in my room, and then I’ll go home to my little boys and love them today for our 2nd anniversary apart.