Ask Different Questions-Grief Part III

When people ask me, “How are you doing?”  the automatic response is “good, fine” etc.  After my husband died when I heard that question it was a different answer in my mind.  “I’m doing alright,” is what I would say, or even that automatic, “Good.” 

In my mind though, I’d finish the answer by saying under my breath, ‘considering my husband is dead and I’m raising 4 boys on my own.’  ‘How are you,’ has never meant the same to me since. My new answer means something different to me.

This is why that is a hard question to answer.  The next question after, "How are you,” was, “How are you really?”  And to that, there was the acknowledgement that the words how are you isn’t adequate.  And that there is more to the question considering all I’ve been through and am dealing with.  

It’s a little better question, but still hard to answer.  It invites a little more deepness, yet still leaves it so open. To a person in grief, we will still just say, ‘Well… alright,’ because in my mind, I didn’t know where to start.  

Questions that didn’t really have an answer, or I had to think more to find the answer, didn’t get answered.  If you asked me something specific, I felt the possibility to open up to how I REALLY am doing.  Questions like: 

What do you like to do these days to feel happy?

Is there anything you need that you’ve not done for a while? 

How are you sleeping? 

How’s your appetite?  

How is your heart feeling? 

What’s hard for you today? 

What’s good for you right now?

How are you relating to your kids? 

How are your kids treating you? 

What do you miss? 

What kind of dreams are you having? 

What gets you up in the morning? 

What helps you feel better?

Do you feel like your emotions are helping you navigate what you need?  Or do they feel overwhelming? 

How do you feel when you see his old friends? 

Is your family helping you?

What do you need help with?  

To then ask specifics there too… cause there are so many things… it might be too much to answer, but so much help is needed. 

Depending on the season,  ‘Can I come over and shovel your sidewalks next time it snows?

Do you need help raking leaves?  

Can I pick up your kids on Friday and take them swimming?  

Those are the things we need help with, but don’t know how to ask, nor how to ask for what we need. 

These kinds of questions might seem like they are ‘prying’ or none of your business or insert any other excuse that would make these questions hard to ask.  But the truth is, I want to tell you, I want to tell somebody.

I don’t always know how, so when you ask how I’m sleeping and I say it's so hard, ask the follow on questions.  Then I can say, I wake up with this pain in my chest and it feels like when I wake up I’m entering a nightmare.  

I’m awake though and sleep is so much more peaceful than awake, but it’s also hard to fall asleep.  I want to tell you about what I’m going through.  If you don’t ask, I probably won’t tell you because it’s too much for me. 

After the more specific question, then just listen.  You don’t need to fix the problem, you can’t.  You don’t need to offer any solutions.  Just being listened to is therapeutic for me.  Then next time you see me, we will have more to talk about. 

It helps me feel really cared about this way.  You become a person I can count on, trust to talk to and I know you care.  There are many other questions you can ask.  I just ask that you please tailor it to the person and their situation.  

Think about how you can ask different questions that invoke meaningful answers.  If it’s just a ‘how are you’ and then you can walk away; I feel worse.  It’s because how I am is so different from how I was before, and with that damn question I might wanna cry.