Sorry Doesn’t Help-Grief Part IV
It's almost always the first thing people say when I tell them I lost my husband. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “Thank you" I say and try to move on because I don’t want to wallow in the sorry.
Yet I do want to talk about it, but when you say sorry, I don’t know how. I’m not offended when it’s said, but it doesn’t help. Sorry is one of those things you say because there is nothing adequate to say.
There also isn’t anything that is really consoling, so to fall back on that “I’m sorry for your loss,” fills a need to acknowledge. No sorry makes anything different. So what else can you say? You want to say something to feel better.
At least you want to connect or acknowledge this deep darkness between you and me. It’s in me and you see it. It’s understandable, but please don’t feel sorry for me. My healing, and what I need isn’t sorrow.
My own sorrow is enough for both of us and any more that comes my way, just hurts even more. Yes, it hurts when you say I’m sorry for your loss. I know it’s not meant that way, but that sorrow is deep inside of me.
More than anything I want to transform it out of me, not dwell inside of me or have it be projected onto me. Just know that you have a beautiful opportunity to help me heal when we both let go of the sorry.
I need strength and power and hope, not more sorrow. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss…’ everytime I hear it, I cringe because I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Please don’t sorrow for me, understand and feel me.
Instead of I’m sorry, open the door to understanding; feel it, know it, see my eyes. “Wow, that’s such a difficult loss,” then I know you understand a little deeper and you are not feeling sorry for me. Thank you for that.
I’m sorry for your loss, only evokes a, “Thank you.” I’m not thankful for your sorry or my loss. If you were to say; “That’s a difficult loss” then instead of saying “thank you,” I can say yeah, it is. This is a door that can open for conversation.
I want to tell you. I want to share. I can’t nor will I, if all you say is sorry and walk away. When you open those doors, then the beauty comes in. Yes, I’ll make the best of it all, when I hear sorry. I’ll still choose gratitude, even if I’m not thankful to hear sorry.
Sorry doesn’t help. I am thankful for you saying something, but there are more beautiful ways to show the humanity in you honoring the humanity in me. There are other ways to share the empathy and sympathy in my loss.
When you come into a space of someone else’s loss, feel into what you can say. Let go of the simple formalities. What you say can change everything for a few moments. You can give me incredible support that shows an understanding. That is the greatest gift you can give a person in grief.