Keep Coming Back-Grief Part II
The people who kept coming back made all the difference. The ones who didn’t give up on me. When you keep coming around; even though the grieving person isn’t the most fun company or doesn’t seem to appreciate your efforts or is just plain negative to be around; don’t let it get you down.
Keep on loving and keep on showing up. The stability you can provide by showing up and coming back over and over, shows a love that feels unconditional. That’s beautiful. Make the time and make the effort, because the grieving person will have a hard time initiating connection.
Grief has a way of creating a feeling of solemnity and isolation. The natural response to that can be to isolate yourself. While being alone is just fine and healthy to a degree, it’s too easy to fall into being alone because it’s too hard to reach out.
The ones that kept reaching out, I can’t describe in words how much that meant and still means to me. So many people gave up trying to interact because it was hard and it is hard. But please know that you not giving up on me means the world to me.
If you show up that way, and I know you won’t give up on me, it helps me not give up on myself. What do you do to show up? Well, that all depends on so many things. The one thing I can say that will always guide you on how to show up is to do what you feel.
Follow your intuition to call, text, stop by with lunch or even show up when you’re not wanted or expected. You don’t have to say anything. There’s nothing you can say to make things feel any better, so silence is ok. Just being there communicates so much.
Just do it. The old Nike adage. I love that phrase. Regarding a person in grief, you think of them, they are on your mind. You want to help, but you don’t know how. You know you want to help because you keep getting that ping in your heart.
That little nudge that causes you to think of them. You do nothing most of the time, because you don’t know what to do and you’re afraid. Afraid that you’ll do no good or even make things worse because you can’t imagine what they are going through.
Quite frankly, to think of what they must be going through, is scary. You couldn’t do it, or so you think, so how can you help someone going through the unimaginable? Don’t be afraid. Grief is a delicate and often incomprehensible thing.
You can only understand when you’re in it; because it is so personal to each one of us, as we experience grief and how we experience it. Don’t feel like you have to do things right or make a difference or help us feel better. You can’t and you won’t do things right.
Showing up doesn’t make a difference in the grief part. There isn’t anything you can do to make us feel better. I don’t think you're meant to. What you can give is your time. It is the only thing that can teach us how to process what is happening in our grief.
The time that passes in grief can feel so slow and heavy and painful; so being there with us as the hardest parts pass, that presence of your love. It is a support during the inevitable passing of time that we wish we could make go faster but cannot.
It must be endured and enduring alone is even more difficult. You can’t change the grief nor the pain that comes with it. You can help it feel a little less long and a little less painful. That makes all the difference in the experience.
Your presence is powerful. Following through, taking the action; it allows us to feel not so alone in the deep loneliness of grief. Thank you to the ones who kept showing up. The ones who listened to me say awful things about Grant.
The ones who didn’t judge me for how I felt, and didn’t take it personally when I was unfriendly or depressing to be around. Especially thank you for the ones who just waited and loved me no matter what, and who still do.