Control in Life

I really connect deeply with living life today because that’s all there is. My lesson is that there are elements of life of which you don’t actually have any control. You can make plans. You can have goals and dreams.

You can create things to be a certain way and in the end this all can be destroyed. It can be by a fire or earthquake or you know, today could be the last day that I am alive. We could literally lose it all.

I don’t control that. What I do control is living moment to moment and accepting the challenges I have. I can only use my challenges in a way that allows me to feel like I am alive.

I watched my husband live and end so quickly. I now have a new and profound appreciation for what it feels like to be alive. Losing my husband makes it easy to feel like I don’t want to be alive, so I have to work on it at times now.

The anniversary of his death is coming up. It’s always got an effect on me because it’s the day I stayed but everything else left. I know the present moment is truly the most powerful moment that I have.

I always have a choice in the present. That’s all I have, not control, just choice.  And sometimes that choice is to wallow in depression. Sometimes I address the problems. Sometimes I make something really really beautiful out of it.

Doing all this work and struggling this much gives me my most beautiful moments in truth. I move through each moment in my life. I do this with each room in my house and each space that I have to be a steward over.

This is how I deal. It’s what I know how to do now. Deep breath for this next week. I’m not looking forward to it. I never know how I will feel.  I will get through this space also.