Decades

I’ve completed another one. That last time I did that, I turned 30.   I loved turning 30 and was not afraid to say good bye to my 20’s.  Being 30, I felt like I was finally credible. Now that I’m 40, I feel even more credible.  

Another decade later and all the experiences I’ve had since 30, I definitely feel more credible as an experienced human.  In fact, I feel that this decade has taught me more than my whole life combined.  I think maybe it’s meant to be that way. 

Each decade teaches more than the last and they build on one another.  The experiences of the previous decades compounding in an accumulation of life, and that feels beautiful to me.  Even when those compounding experiences give incredible pain and heartbreak, I still love it! 

I love growing in wisdom and knowledge and experience.  This decade was especially difficult. It’s been full of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Very meaningful life lessons have changed me forever in a way those first few decades I could not have imagined; but they prepared me for.   

I love learning.  My first decade of life was defined by my bliss.  Being a child is something that is magical at least from my memory; which now is assuredly skewed with the observation of my own children’s first decades.

I didn’t think it was magical then, everything was new and so unfamiliar so everything was a learning curve.  Yet I had the freedom it offered. The freedom that goes along with the carefree ease of others taking full responsibility for the physical welfare of all other responsibilities. 

I did not have the luxury of knowledge and habits built on top of one another to allow for the feeling of my own security.  My parents helped and I am grateful for that.  Their love allowed me to grow into that feeling of ease that comes from knowing what you’re doing.  

I needed them to build the skills that only repetition can bring about so that I could do the basic things in life as second nature to give that sense of self sufficiency. I watch my sweet boys when they are in the moment of this kind of childhood. 

I love the ease at which they operate.  It is beautiful to watch the carefree play and imagination they are capable of.   It is the demonstration of true unadulterated creativity and imagination with the joy that comes from constant discovery. 

The next decade of my life, 10-20 was another big one, going from a child to an adult.  Learning those responsibilities that I was free from in that first decade.  Here is where I began to stack experience onto capability as the learning curve changed.

I went from learning to be human, to learning to be an adult.  This felt exciting in many ways.  I started to make my own money, and feel the freedom and excitement that comes with making the decisions without the approval of an authority over me. 

I was beginning to be my own person.  I learned to drive, started dating and began the phase of housing myself and learning to direct my own resources.  I learned what responsibilities come with driving a car, renting an apartment, and paying for education.  

All this was a welcomed learning curve that I wanted to experience. Then from 20-30, I came into myself as an adult and the learning curves with that.  The independence was welcomed.  I began to  accomplish the things I had only seen done. 

I traveled, finished college, bought my first house, dated, got married, got pregnant and gave birth, bought another house for a family this time, started a career and tasted a life of establishment.

This decade was filled with new experiences that I was prepared for with the compounding experiences of the previous two decades.  I began to enjoy the capacity of being capable that comes from experiences and starting to know how things work.

Using the advantage of ease in knowing to create successful accomplishments now is second nature.  At 30 - 40 I gave birth for the last time, now as an old pro.  I was a mother to multiple children managing them along with babies.

It in addition to managing home, work, business entrepreneurship, marriage, and anything else that needed to be done.  Multi-tasking came with ease as I settled into the different roles that all these factors invite. 

As I solidified these aspects of what I thought was success, I also began to explore things that would add meaning to my life through expansion. I started learning yoga, painting and other things I wanted to do or learn just because I liked them. 

It became a new process of discovering myself yet again at a higher level of capability and expansion held up by the things I had already accomplished.  Thirty was the beginning of a beautiful decade for me.

It was filled with the attainment of many of the life dreams I had held dear, as I worked tirelessly to create their expression.  Success defined this decade as it began.  Life was beautiful. Then, just passing the mid mark of this decade, everything changed.

My then 38 year old husband died.  That one big thing happened.  I became a widow at 36 and single mother to the 4 boys that had come during that previous decade.  Just as they were getting old enough for all of us to finally really live adventures together.  

This wasn’t supposed to happen in this decade.  Nope. That one was more of an experience I expected from like 70-80 or preferably 90-100. I have high hopes for longevity!  That was not the case for my young husband.  

I’ve felt the excruciating pain of significant loss, redirection of life, responsibilities thrust upon me that I have no choice other than to embrace, grit my teeth and “get er done.” So I do and I can, and I will, and I have, and I will continue to. 

I’ve come to learn to expect the unexpected and not hold on so tight to what I think things should be at any given moment in time. This decade, fraught with defining moments far more intense than what I had planned for, is the growth catalyst.

It has given me so much more life understanding.  I am grateful for that.  We each have our big things.  They all look different.  We each learn how to deal in our own ways, some ways that bring strength, some that break us down.  Sometimes both.

As I think of my life in decades, each decade has defined me in meaningful ways that build on each before.  This compounding of knowledge flourishes within me and brings a wealth of wisdom to draw from and it’s mine.   

It makes me who I am and who I am can not be taken from me, I am who I am and I love who I am.  I know that the 80 year old me will look back on this and think oh… she has so much to learn, and I agree.  

With another 4 decades, I believe that my perspective will be completely different. I’ll look back on my now adorable young 40 year old self with love, compassion, respect, and awe.  I will know what she was headed for and all that the coming experiences would give her.  

I will see the joy and sorrow ahead of her,  just as I think back on my 20 year old self this way.  I would say to her, “Oh hunny, you have no idea what’s in store for you.  If I could tell you, I probably wouldn’t because I don’t want to scare you.” 

“You’ll get through just fine. I can’t wait for you to discover me but I can’t spoil the surprises.  Many if the experiences will be painful and much of it will also be joyful. You don’t want you to miss out on any of it, so don’t be scared.”

“ I love who I am now because of all of it. You need this that comes-joyful and painful to become me.  I’ll love you through it all I promise, even though you won’t know me at least until you are here.  I love you, you’ll do great!”