Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Being Alive
After going through the loss of my husband, the thing that I have connected to the most, is that feeling of what it feels like to be alive. When I get too far from that, I get more unalive though I’m alive.
The First Time I Left Them
I was so afraid to leave them for the first time, after their dad died. I had to take a picture before I left. It was just in case it was the last time I saw them. I wanted to make sure to have that last moment with me captured. We didn’t have that when dad died.
Brother Power
I hear the sweet sounds of boys laughing. What I see is the most beautiful sight. The big brother reading to the little brother. I’ve been worried about big brother’s reading. Then we found a book series he loves. He can’t get enough of it.
Learning My Place
I’ve learned that ‘Love’ begins with me. And how I love, is on my terms…. and my love may not look the way you see love. It may not feel like love sometimes either; but I know what I’m giving. It may not be what you think love is; but I’m operating from the love within me.
Giving Up Good
I used to obsess about the outcome of things in my life. I always wanted things to turn out “good.” I don’t believe in “good” or “bad” anymore. Sure I still use those words occasionally, but not in the same way or with the same belief that my experiences or outcomes are good or bad.
Empty Space
A few months ago, I had another little awakening. I had a small trauma that caused me to look at my life again in a way that invited me to question, what am I doing? The trauma wasn’t anything big, it was a simple conversation. It invoked so many emotions and sadness.
Paying For Mistakes Part III
So what happened to my son to warrant him being so upset and running away because of this rock wall?? What could have possibly “made” him run away?? Well, let’s be clear, nothing made him run away, he chose to do that to cope with his feelings. Here’s why.
I’m Used To My Life Now
I’m used to my Life now. When change is the only constant in your life and you think, once I get to a certain place, then I’ll be able to… fill in the blank_________________ (relax, take that vacation, retire, play with my kids, visit my mom, keep the house clean, live my dream), you are thinking wrong.
Do I still love Grant?
Do Still love Grant? That’s easy, no. I don’t. I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys.
Trail of Crumbs
The power of Influence vs force. I’m learning how to be in influence without forcing. I’ve discovered it starts with a process of accepting. It’s a process of acceptance in general. Today, my 9 year old son was reading at the counter. The floor was covered in crumbs and that bugs me, a lot. The crumbs bug me, not his reading at the counter.
Now Is My New Home
For too long I was looking for a home that doesn’t exist here. It’s the place where Grant is now. I had been alive, but longing to be somewhere else. A place I thought to be better than here. What I didn’t realize was how much of here I was missing, longing to be there. Now I see what I missed. I see it fully now, because part of it is lost to me. That’s a hard lesson to see what you had, only when it’s taken from you.
Brother Heroes
This picture makes me happy. I found it in my little boy’s closet. I don’t know where it came from. School is my guess. What this picture means to me is greater than words. These boys are smiling and goofing together. It shows togetherness. Two brothers who want to be together, play together, take pictures with funny faces together.
