Fear

Fear.  It’s one of those things that you can’t hide from.  It’s a natural human reaction.  Emotions in general are a natural human reaction and for that matter also not really under our control either.  What we choose after we feel an emotion is what really counts.

It’s our choice that counts.  We don’t choose our fears or emotions.  I used to think that I had control over how I feel.  I would say that to myself and my kiddos.  “You choose how you feel,” I used to say.  I am responsible for how I feel; and if I’m sad, it’s my choice.  

I feel a little differently now.  Yes, when I’m sad, I do choose into feeling it; but I didn’t choose it.  Not initially, at first  I felt it.  That feeling of sadness, for example, came to me.  Why?  For lots of different reasons, sadness can come upon me. 

I mean, I’ve got a lot I am carrying.  My husband died.  That still sucks and affects me everyday.  Everyday  still.  It doesn’t stop affecting me even though for a long time I wished it would so that I could move on. 

I wanted to move forward, be happy, not feel burdened, get my life together, feel happy, and not feel like I was in this place of stagnation while grieving all that I’d lost.  I had the feeling like I could never move past it.  I thought it had to go away for me to be whole again. 

I’m realizing now, that’s my choice.  In the moment I feel that sadness and by not escaping it, but loving it; it is a part of my experience.  By embracing it, I realize it just is.  When I embrace my sadness, the things I’m scared of turn around.  

When I accept the “worst case scenario,” the fear dissipates.  This is when I feel like I can progress.  It’s amazing.  Embracing what I’m scared of and the emotions that come with those fears; and all of a sudden, I don’t feel fear anymore.  

Fear is replaced by a peace that creates a feeling of being powerful for me.  I can do things.  I can… fill in the blank and all of a sudden, it’s possible.  It’s all possible.  I felt so scared to travel; not because I’m afraid of traveling, but because I’m afraid of being away from my kids.

I felt afraid of something happening to me or them while I’m gone. I was afraid of being the only one who can properly take care of them and so if I leave them, I’m neglecting them.  I was afraid of what I feel when I tell myself leaving is neglecting them. 

It’s a whole big mind game, but it all changed for me this week.  I committed to going on a foreign business trip to a place I’d never been and with people I didn’t know. I decided to learn things I need to know to become better. 

And I was away for an amount of time I’d never been away from kids for,  ever.  8 days!  I wouldn’t even consider leaving them that long before.  I’d said no to so many opportunities because I was in fear.  Fear for good reasons too, justifiable reasons anyway, but not actually good reasons. 

I had to heal too.  I still am, but I finally let go of the fear and did what I felt I needed.  I trusted that all my preparation, planning, and good parenting. I let the love for myself and my kids be enough and asked for help. 

I had a feeling of confidence that it’s ok to ask for help and it’s changed everything for me.  My mind feels a new level of clarity.  This is a new step for me and it feels really good.  I feel like I can choose to be happy more and more often.  

Even when all those big emotions come; and I see them, feel them and then make a choice of what I want to do with them.  All while working out a plan in my mind that accepts every facet of every feeling. 

It’s beautiful what this has done for me.  I discovered it by saying yes to something that scared me. I was trusting that when I feel it’s right I can do it.  And believing that not only will my boys be taken care of, they will be ok.

In fact, I believe they can be even better for my time away, not neglected or worse off. I feel a new level of ability to live my life not with the challenges of being a widow, or a single mom. I am managing more than I ever thought possible for one person, let alone me being that person.  

It’s helped me see that there can be balance for me.  When it’s time to take care of me, and follow my dream; I don’t need to let my fears hold me back.  And it wasn’t even for good reasons, they aren’t really that good.  

Trust, belief, and courage,  I am trusting.  I believe and I have courage.  I am those things. It’s creating a whole new world filled with a lot more happiness than I ever thought possible after Grant died.  I am beautifully finding some new and amazing life experiences.  

I can lean into them to create a life I WANT without Grant and with my 4 boys as a single mom.  I am finding my most joyous self that lives with all the sad things, with the deep emotions and a lot of fucking ability to not feel held back anymore.

I realize now, I don’t choose how I feel.  I choose what I want and create that in every moment life brings to me. I choose in all the hard and beautiful emotions that come with being in real life. I am not being afraid of what’s real in my life.  It feels so good to feel again and not be afraid to feel anymore.