How to Help a Person in Grief Part l
A person in grief usually doesn’t know what they need or want. When someone asked, what can I do? I usually didn’t know. I can’t tell you how many times someone said, ‘I’ve been thinking about you. I wanted to do this or that; but I just didn’t know how to help or what to do or if it would be helpful.’
The first thing you can do is just be there. When I say be there, it doesn’t mean you have to physically be present. Maybe you are, but there are two parts to being there. When you get that feeling to do something, just do it.
It is what comes next after you have the thought of… maybe I should, or what if I, or I could… fill in the blank of whatever comes next. Don’t question or wonder if it will be helpful. Don’t worry if they might be offended or if it looks like you might feel sorry for them or whatever.
NO matter how stupid what you think of seems to you, just do it anyway. If baking cookies seems like the thing to do, just do it. Follow the inspiration. If you think, ‘cookies are so stupid, they won’t help and it’ll look pathetic.’ Do it.
Whatever you might think, just stop right there before you get the 2nd thought. The second one, it won’t help. Just do it. If you feel like you should stop by, knock and you have nothing to say, just do it.
If you do, that’s what’s meaningful. Anything you think of that shares the connection of the thought you had when you thought of the person, is relevant. Instead of saying sheepishly the next time you see them, ‘oh I think about you all the time.’
Just know that those little things communicate your caring, which is so much more than that plate of cookies or a phone call or a text message or just dropping a simple card or a flower or anything that comes to your mind.
The personalization of ‘I’m thinking of you,’ is for you, not the grieving person. It’s not your job to help them feel better… EVER. You can’t and won’t do that. So know that whatever you do won’t help them feel better. Did you get that?
What it will do for the griever, is create a human connection that says, ‘I know you’re hurting and I feel your hurt and I love you.’ That’s far more healing than the actual plate of cookies ever will be; but the cookies say that IF you bring them.
It’s the message your thoughts send when they are communicated by doing whatever the thought was. When you think of that grieving person, that is your heart connecting with the sadness in theirs. Whatever the message is that you get, is meant for them, so send it.
Don’t be afraid it’s the wrong thing. Be brave and give whatever you feel is right in that moment. I can tell you that even if it doesn’t seem like they appreciate it, I promise, they do. So, here is the second part of this one.
Don’t expect a response, and if you do get one great. If you do get one and it’s negative, please, please please, don’t take it personal. Just know they are hurting and any outreach can aggravate that pain; not because you did the wrong thing, but because the pain is there.
Every outreach helps to heal that. If you can understand one thing, it’s that reaching out means the most; even if it doesn't seem welcomed. Don’t give up, just love us. The love you show in following how you are touched, that shows love and caring and that’s what we really need.
Just to be held in love, there is really nothing outside of that we can handle. We are in the depths of grief that feels over powering. To everyone who ever reached out and left a card or baked bread or sent a note. To those who called, texted and just made an effort to touch me while I was in the darkest of places; please know that I saw it. I felt it.
I appreciated it even if I didn’t say thank you or respond or seem grateful. I was grateful, but maybe didn’t have the space to express it because all the bandwidth was used up feeling the pain. It just hurt too much and I was trying to keep breathing in each moment.
You are loved for your love toward me. Thank you so much for thinking of me and doing something that touched my heart with the connection you created; that has helped me heal more than you can know.