Home

There is a place that is home.  For some it’s the people they are with, for others, the place they live, and for still others it could be a feeling inside.  For me, it’s all of those.  Jayce had all his art brought home at the end of preschool. This one I found touched me.  

Not because it was about me, though, that did make me smile; but because what I’ve been working to create with my children since the death of their father is that our home is where they are safe.  Because I’m here, and they know that I love them fiercely.  

I love them ithout anything holding back the immensity of love that I feel for them.    Part of this is because my heart is broken for them that their daddy left.  So I want to make up for it by being more of what they need. 

I tried that for a little while and the outcome was not beautiful.  I was washed out, left without the love that I needed for myself let alone for them.  Not much that I’m proud of were the leftovers for them.  Now, I know that I can’t be there for them at every moment. 

I can’t give them all my time and energy and attention.  I can’t pay for everything, do everything and be there for everything that is important to them.  But what I can do is see them, feel them and love them for the individuals that they are. 

I can teach them to be independent and that love does not mean you do everything for someone or give them everything.  I can show them to honor what they are capable of believing. 

We are all doing our best.  There are many ways to love and the most difficult of those ways is to teach the hard lessons that show you how to interact with life in any circumstance. 

The kind of lessons where you come out on the other side a better, stronger and more loving human.  And to not succumb to life and let it ruin you.   When these boys look back on their childhood, my hope is that there is a special place in each of their hearts for where I held them.

I hope they know that the love I have for them is unconditional.  I don’t have control over how they see their childhood in the future, but I do know my intention.   When Jayce says that his favorite part of his house is me, Mom.  I know that I’m showing him where he is safe.

I know he knows he is loved and that there is dependability in this life.   It's not because I do everything for him, but because I don’t anymore.  Though it sounds counterintuitive; letting them go and do things on their own, in their own ways and from the motivation within them works in wondrous ways to teach them the lessons that many adults still haven’t grasped.  

When they struggle and fall, and fail; I watch them and wait for them to come back to me.  I gently and lovingly guide them with a new perspective they can better understand because they have a new experience to put it into context.  

This sort of parenting has changed me, because now I see the lessons in everything they are and do.  I no longer tell them what to do because “mom knows best.”  I teach them how to find in themselves what is best for them and they do!  

It is magical to watch because in the overwhelm of death and single parenting and work and home management and all the things I could and have used as my own excuses; this magic way of letting go and letting God only came because the impossible became my reality. 

I had to figure out how to make the impossible possible and the easiest way to live that way, to know that I can’t do it on my own.   So I let the boys learn and love in their ways. I ask for help.  The Divine creator that lives in me is always there guiding me to what I need without fail, unconditionally.   

This is where I find what I love in my home. It is the guiding heart in me that keeps me feeling that home is where my heart is, wherever that may be. I feel it in me also as I create that for my children.